Irreplaceable [2/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; nothing is easy in love, but the saddest thing is when you lose it, especially if you had never imagined your life without that other person. There are times when other people get in between and ruin it, unknowingly to the two who are in love. This story concentrates on a painful break up (that probably shouldn’t even count as one) of Taeyeon and Jessica, and a second chance 6 years later.


6 YEARS AGO

“I’m on my way, Yoong… wait, that would work too. I will be there in just few minutes you can go and meet me in the street,”I ended conversation with my best friend while driving in a limo. Obviously in the backseat. Yes, Taengoo wanted that I showed up to our wedding in a limo. She’s even more romantic that I am. I guess she’s responsible for all the romance in our relationship, but I never complained as I can’t be as brave and free with my feelings as she is.

Taengoo knows that I’m a bit nervous about our marriage. We have been together for some time, actually a long time and she was the one who proposed to me. I remember it clearly… every detail of it. Having some time until reaching both Yoong and the Church I decided to look back at those memories.

xxx

My taxi stopped and after paying the driver I step out of the car looking around curious until I noticed Taengoo standing on the small white bridge. Obviously she waited for me all this time (it took me about an hour to come here because of work distractions and I was really apologetic about the delay.) Her eyes were on me the moment I stepped out of the vehicle.

Taeyeon walked slowly in my direction when the driver left and we somehow met halfway. I smiled mischievously knowing that my best friend and my girlfriend planned something, just unsure what exactly that was.

“I don’t see Yoona anywhere…  and she’s the one who asked me to rush here.”

Taengoo laughed while commenting and explaining “I have performed a magic trick and made her disappear. So now you will have to spend time with me… as disappointing as it sounds.”

I pretended to be annoyed but couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on my face. “I have never thought that Yoong could be such a good liar… she didn’t even flinch when I called her to ask about our meeting and apologizing that I will be running late.”

Taeyeon shrugged her shoulder while linking her arm with mine “well… I asked very politely for her help. Yoona just couldn’t tell me no.”

“What did you promise her?”

Taeyeon just laugh but I knew that most likely it was something Seohyun related as Yoona is seriously interested in that girl. Whenever we try talking about other topics it somehow still ends up with Seohyun. Seohyun just got her driver’s license. Seohyun just bought a new car… yes, I also saw Seohyun in that shop…and so on. I think you can imagine what I have in mind. We all have this kind of friend.

We walked to the bridge and stood on it. Well actually Taeyeon stopped and turn around to face me “and there’s a reason why you’re here with me instead of your friend. I know you would prefer the later..hehehe… but…”

I widened my eyes as a good theatrical actress (if I was one) “well I would have dressed better knowing that I’m meeting you. Your loss.”

“I don’t care if you go around in pajamas with dinosaurs or puppies, or cats, or bunnies on it, I will still believe that it looks good on you.”

I squinted my eyes and blushed a little which made me want to change this topic instantly. Until Taeyeon noticed it and didn’t use it as some sort of opportunity. “But it’s really beautiful here. You love showing things like this to me…I should have guessed that no way Yoong would have invited me to see such scenery”, I added with ‘duh’ written on my forehead (figuratively speaking.)

Taeyeon seemed to miss out on comment about Yoona and instead took both of my hands in hers “well… it doesn’t matter how you get here. The most important part is that you’re here now.”

“Mmm… I feel like I have heard this many times before.”

“Maybe that’s just expression I use… but this is important to me,” she added making serious face and for some reason letting go of my hands.

“Are you going to break up with me?” I ended up asking without giving a chance for Taeyeon to speak up. Maybe I have panicked a little bit. Well… not maybe… I did panic for a moment.

“What? No. You wish,” she said jokingly which helped with the mood. Taeyeon looked really nervous now and I started wondering what might be the reason for it.

Looking around and gathering her courage she finally spoke up, not breaking eye contact with me “I’m not even sure how to describe how nervous I’m right now… I’m nervous both about my speech and about your reaction. Either way… I’m hoping for the best.”

While she talked it started raining slowly. “Okay… maybe the fact that weather changed so drastically is not such a good sigh” she added while biting her lip and looking down.

For that reason I suggested simply “well…ehm… we can go in your car if you want… you drove here, right?” and I almost turn around to walk in that direction after actually noticing Taeyeon’s car, but my girlfriend stopped me while grabbing me by the hand.

“No…no… I better do this now. As long as I’m still…somewhat brave…”

Taeyeon breathed in more air while kneeling on the ground, taking black little box from her pocket.

“Jessica Jung… you’re the girl I love. The girl I always dreamed about. Person I want to spend the rest of my life with. In good and bad. Whatever comes our way. Would you like to marry me and make me the happiest person on this planet?”

Taeyeon asked the full question, considering the fact that I let her finish as a good sigh. It still rained around us, this time even harder, and Taeyeon waited for my answer with hopeful expression.

I looked down a bit nervous, I don’t know if Taengoo could have read my emotions and sense that nervousness, but obviously I had a lot of it. Despite all that, it didn’t take me long to answer ‘YES!’ and hug her as tightly as I could. Taeyeon even complained that she couldn’t breathe.

But the truth is that with that question she made me the happiest girl on this planet. I didn’t even need that wedding…I was already happy as it is.

xxx

I think I got lost in the memories because that was the last thing I remembered. This scene kept on repeating in my mind while I was in coma. Contrary to the popular belief I didn’t really hear what my visitors told me. Instead I kept reliving it and was actually happy. I’m not sure if even wanted to wake up. Would you want to wake up from the most beautiful dream ever?

Somehow I still did. Then Yoona told me about what had happened. A truck hit my limo in front of her eyes. That’s why she didn’t manage to go to Church and stayed by my side instead. She only called Taeyeon’s parent and didn’t even call to tell other friends of ours, too panicked about the whole situation.

Yoona wanted to do it next day but Taeyeon wasn’t there anymore. She didn’t visit me even once, though Yoona had talked with her parents and even asked them to BEG for her to show up and maybe then I would wake up sooner.

Taeyeon even changed her phone number. I know this…because despite being angry and hurt after leaving the hospital I still tried to call her. Though almost a year passed with me in a coma.

Surprisingly I have never blamed Taeyeon. I was angry… but not as much as person in this situation would usually be. They would just turn around, move on, never think of a person that left them on their worse and didn’t even check on them ever again. I tried moving on… I have traveled a lot… but still thought about Taengoo constantly.

I didn’t manage to find another love. I tried but never hard enough…and it never actually turned into any sort of relationship that would be worth either mine or that person’s time. I felt like taking a break all these six years. Like the time actually stopped for me the moment when that truck hit my limo.

But finding out that everything is not as it seems… that Taeyeon actually got a break up letter from someone who pretended to be me… I wasn’t sure what to think. Still somehow… I had hope… Sunny did shake her head when I asked if Taeyeon is actually happy. If she’s not… if this marriage is not going to make her happy… why can’t I try to at least find out the truth? Who and why they wrote that letter? Why I didn’t find the love of my love next to me when I woke up?

So many questions and so little time to get all the answers…

xxx

 

PRESENT TIME

I was about to read that break up letter again and torture myself even more if I haven’t heard familiar-confused voice.

“W-what are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked while unconscionably dropping down her keys.

She squinted her eyes and seemed beyond angry.

“What are you doing at my home? I’m calling the police if you’re not leaving right now… and what…” she was going to ask what I have in my hand but I think she recognized the letter. “Why…why…are you holding it?”

I panicked a little bit. Unsure how I should feel right now. Sad? Angry? Happy that Taeyeon left with me with a reason? Which emotion would be normal in such weird and unpredictable situation?

Also, why Yoona didn’t alarm me that Taeyeon is coming back home. That girl is probably hiding somewhere around the corner and talking with Seohyun on the phone. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s literally the case.

“I have it…because I have just learnt of the existence of it from you few days ago… also I wanted to know what this is. It is the first time I’m seeing this…thing,” I added while looking shortly at the envelope with letter inside of it.

Taeyeon raised her eyebrows shortly “wow…really? What do you really want, Jessica? Destroy my second wedding? Do I have some sort of curse that I just can’t get married or the world will end? I’m so tired of this…” she commented and actually sigh.

I could see that Taeyeon meant what she said. Also, my Taengoo looked more tired than usual.

“Why would I lie? Am I someone who just wants to hurt you and destroy your happiness?”

“I don’t know! Are you?” once again, that tired tone, tired eyes but still some sparking anger behind them.

After a surprise that Taengoo might actually think this way, it took me some time to voice out my thoughts. Actually, some time to process and gather it as well.

“I mean it, Jessica… I’m calling the police. How did you get in my home? I do have security… I’m so tired of…all of this…”

“You do seem tired…”

I somehow ended saying without considering the outcome. Obviously Taeyeon will get mad at me because of it. She will think that I’m teasing her in some way. She’s already thinking the worse of me. But not hearing her comment or screams I added.

“Call the police.”

“Eh?”

“I don’t care. Call the police. I won’t leave until we have a normal conversation… even if you’re really tired and want to sleep… if you fall asleep I can just sit here and wait until you wake up. I’m just as tired as you are. Waking up in the hospital without you beside me…finding out that you left to see the world, the fact that you change your phone number and I couldn’t even call you to tell you that I’m finally awake…you know what… that was also the worse experience of my life. Worse than getting hit by a truck. So I’m tired too. We’re talking this through.”

“W-what?”

I could see confusion written all over her face. Even if I wouldn’t believe Taeyeon’s sincerity this would prove it straight away. That’s the face of someone who really has no idea what you’re talking about and hears it for the very first time.

“I hadn’t written this letter. It is impressive…I will give you that… I did have my doubts, haven’t I? It describes the situation quite well… ACTUALLY… there are certain parts which I only told your parents. As ironic as that sounds.”

Taeyeon let me talk just standing there and staring in front of herself and I used this time to look back at the letter.

“For example… I mentioned my doubts about our marriage to them… but also, pointed out that I haven’t talked with you about it. Just like this line: But they always stayed in my head… torturing me…I had also mentioned that it is probably the worst possible moment to have these doubts as our wedding is just around the corner… Just like this line: I’m choosing the worst possible moment to say this… but if not now…when?

“Stop…”

I heard Taengoo begging quietly but I was in too deep. I just needed to finish it. I felt that while voicing everything out… I will understand the situation as well.

“I told them…that the reason I love you some much is because you always stayed by my side and fought for our love even when I was a coward. Exact replica of that is in this letter too: I also realize its unfair to you no matter what I do. Especially when you stayed by my side…fought for this love. Your parents have witnessed both your pervert comments and skin ship which is also mentioned in the letter. Even the last point… about asking that you wouldn’t hate me. That’s what would I say! They read me like an open book, haven’t they? And you do realize that your parents always hated me, right?”

Taengoo shook her head slightly. She looked a bit… distant.

“Well…maybe you were the only one unaware of this fact. Everyone else knew this… I know that Tiffany hates me now…but I’m pretty sure that even she can confirm it. Also, you can just pay someone to write such letter! They can even copy your handwriting! I don’t understand how everyone could have been so dense! Yoona hadn’t talked with Tiffany and Sunny for years…I didn’t know about this stupid letter for so long… most of the things only making sense right now… don’t you get it? And why are you getting married in the first place? Because your parents want you to? for the company? for the future? Are you even happy…?”

It made perfect sense in my mind: I got in an accident. Taeyeon’s parents find out about it first and used this opportunity. They had enough of money to fake it all. Who knows, maybe they even had a letter prepared just in case. They fooled both Taeyeon and me.

“Haven’t you ever considered that maybe…?” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I think I was so concentrated on revealing the truth, that finally made sense to me, that I haven’t noticed Tae’s expression.

I managed to catch the girl at the last moment as she fainted. I should have payed more attention that something was off. She was too tired… too stressed…

“Taengoo?”

 

xxx

 

Three days later I found myself in the hospital. Ironically that same hospital that I spend so much time in the past. Of course I happened to end up here for a completely different reason. This time it was Taengoo related. She was exhausted and needed hospitalization, they even wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t been in her apartment when I was.

Other part of her exhaustion was stress and I guess hearing everything what I have told her was the breaking point.

Even with a lot of controversy as you can guess, I mean Tiffany who couldn’t trust me easily, I still managed to stay by Taeyeon’s side all this time. Luckily the girls agreed not to tell her parents. At least for now… and hospital didn’t find it as a necessity too.

A lot of things happened in these couple of days and Yoona used this time to finally have a serious conversation with both Tiffany and Sunny. I heard that the conversation was really long and probably tiring.

The density of people surprise me sometimes. I’m not saying that I’m any better, but no one actually discussing anything for this long… the world is a strange and scary place. It just proves that if you won’t fight for your happiness, no one else will do that for you.

It’s a bit hard to change your mind overnight, so Tiffany still had a little bit of a problem while communicating with me in a civilized manner. She agreed to talk about the past and apologized for the slap, and I realized that I should just give this girl some time. After all, she blamed me for all of Taeyeon’s misfortunes, she found me as the responsible person for everything and she even had a good relationship with Taeyeon’s parents all these years. So it was hard to realize and accept the fact that things happened in a completely different order.

Still Tiffany and Sunny agreed and told me what happened during these years. Taeyeon took our ‘break up’ that didn’t even happened, really bad. She had depression for few years. She traveled whenever she could without staying in one place for long, to put in simply: she just wanted to get lost. There were times when Taeyeon even left her friends worried if she’s still alive and kicking as no news came from her for months.

Few years ago she came back with somehow controlled feelings and concentrated on her work. Taengoo became a workaholic since most of the time she spend nights at work, simply getting lost in all of those papers rather than having to deal with other people.

She stopped believing in love that’s why even this whole arrangement to get married for the well being of her company and for the happiness of her parents didn’t sound like a bad idea.

The Taengoo that I remember would have never agreed to get married with someone whom she didn’t love.

This helped me realize that I wasn’t the only one who had it bad. Who was confused, hurt… all was left to do is talk with her… wait for Taengoo to wake up…for as long as it takes… with hope that she believes me, with hope that she loves me the same way that I do love her, with hope that she still wants to be with, with hope that she will tell me that it’s not the end of our love.

 

xxx

“Hello, yes, I do remember you. You were my patient back then, right? Well not mine… I was just a nurse… I’m a doctor now”

I nod my head remembering this girl. She was there when I woke up. I looked down at her name tag, doctor Choi Sooyoung. Yes, the name sounds familiar.

“Yes, you did take good care of me. Thank you for that… and for this… you were the one who agreed that we don’t need to call every single person Taeyeon knows, so it is not necessary for her parents to show up, right?”

“You’re all grown ups, so yes, I didn’t think that’s necessary. Also, it looks like she’s in good hands. She should wake up soon enough.”

I nod my head feeling both thankful and nervous unsure what else to say. After doctor Choi left I sat down in my usual spot next to Taengoo’s bed and looked at her sleeping face.

So calm and peaceful… as beautiful as I remembered. Even more beautiful with years…

Surprisingly, she opened her eyes pretty much at the same moment when doctor Choi closed doors after herself. At first, looking at the ceiling, and then slowly turning her eyes in my direction.

I tried to form a smile. Apologetic one. I think it turn out to be a nervous one but that’s all I managed to do for the time being.

“Hey…” I whispered nervously while readjusting a strand of Taengoo’s hair. “You’re up… do you… feel rested? At least… a little bit…?”

She kept her gaze on me while I still couldn’t take my hand away. Having an opportunity to touch her skin even for a short while, I couldn’t stop myself for using this chance.

“Water?”

She cough and there is no surprise as she hadn’t spoken for three days just laying in bed. I felt a bit disappointed that I need to take my hand away, but of course I rushed to give her the water she asked for. I helped Taeyeon out with drinking it and can see how her face looked more lively afterwards.

“You had to stay in a hospital for few more days because you were exhausted and needed recovery… I know you’re not a fan of hospitals but… that was the only possible outcome.”

Taengoo nod her head slowly “you stayed…in here?” asking carefully.

I gathered my thoughts realizing that she probably have heard my short interaction with doctor Choi, so I nod my head with confirmation.

“Not in this exact bed… but yeah… I had spend some time in here…”

“That’s not some time… that’s a whole year…”

Taeyeon commented sadly turning her eyes away from mine and staring at the ceiling. I wish I could read what she was thinking, I can only guess… but I want to know for real.

“TAEYEON! I HAVE JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS!” I turn to look at the door as tall, dark haired guy ran inside with worry written all over his face. So that must be the…groom.

He ignored my existence going straight to the love of my life.

“You got me so worried when I have heard about it!”

Taeyeon looked at him smiling apologetically, and answering really quietly. I could barely make out the words she used “sorry… that really… didn’t include my plans…”

All I could feel was jealousy. How long this guy stayed by her side when I was away? Does he mean anything to Taeyeon? What if all of a sudden she realized that she’s developing feelings for him and they are in a serious relationship… what if earlier Taeyeon got angry when I showed up because she actually wanted this wedding to happen… what if…

“Excuse me… maybe you could leave us alone for at least couple of minutes?” he looked in my direction smiling politely. Like I’m some bug flying around and disturbing his love nest. Are you kidding me?

I nod my head obediently “yes… of course”.

Before leaving I looked at Taeyeon for one more time, but she averted her eyes avoiding my gaze. Should I take this as a bad sign? I have no other choice just to walk out and wait outside.

I’m not even sure what I’m even waiting for…

 

xxx

It would have been foolish of me to stand outside the door and try to listen what they are talking about, that thought crossed my mind but I probably wouldn’t have heard anything as Tae’s bed was far away from the door and I doubt they intent to scream.

I know… I haven’t forgotten that Sunny told me that Taengoo is not happy but what if she is…what if those six years that haven’t changed anything for me… that haven’t changed my feelings at all… not only scattered Taeyeon’s world but changed her dreams and hopes as well. Changed her love…

I couldn’t stop myself from panicking. That’s all I did. I’m not sure how long those two even talked… did they agree to change the date of the wedding because of Taeyeon’s exhaustion? Did they confess to each other that they can’t live without one another? Did they… no… I don’t want to imagine anything else.

Finally, probably after at least 10 minutes that guy (I don’t know his name because all Yoona told me was that it starts with B…) walked out looking for me. I didn’t notice hate or blame… maybe Taeyeon did chose him? Maybe he doesn’t even know about my existence and about our past?

“You can go back in,” that’s all he told me and walked away.

Confused I walked inside trying to smile in the same manner like before. I walked back to the same spot I stood earlier, staring back at Taeyeon who didn’t turn her eyes away from me the moment I walked in.

All of a sudden, I can see tears filling up in her eyes.

Wait… no…

I soon leaned in catching them with my fingers and spoke up with worry “no no…it is okay… I understand… if you forgot about me… if you don’t love me anymore… if all of this is too much… if it has been too long… I understand… I just… I want you to be happy…” I could feel myself tearing up as well. That’s what to expect in this situation I guess.

I’m close to giving up my love… if I have to leave Seoul again and never come back for the sake of you…my love… I will…now when I know everything that happened in the past…I just want to see you happy… even if the person who makes you happy is not me…

“So it’s okay… you can ask me anything… I understand…I’m sorry if this disturbed you…changed your plans or…”

“Y-you…should be angry,” Taengoo commented surprised with tears still streaming down her beautiful face.

“What? Why?”

“I WASN’T THERE! YOU LAY IN A HOSPITAL BED AND I WASN’T THERE! YOU SHOULD HATE ME. HATE ME!”

“Stop… Taengoo… I don’t blame you for anything. Why are you blaming yourself?”

“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED! Instead of getting hurt and running away… I should have search more… find Yoona and get a confirmation of that letter… I believed it so easily… HATE ME!”

“I could never hate you… you’re the only one I love,” I whispered while leaning closer.

Taeyeon also kept on whispering and repeating that I should hate her and because of that I captured her lips with mine.

I put everything into this kiss. All the hurt, all the mistakes, all the stupidity that can be applied for both of us. Maybe that’s the last kiss I’m going to have… I need to give my all if that’s the case.

We had to separate for air and Taeyeon spoke up again “I left him but…”

“You did?”

I instantly asked hopefully.

“He can find another love, we only had an agreement… this wouldn’t have been real even if we got married… I let him search for the love he deserves… but…”

“But…?”

“I don’t deserve you…”

I laughed with relief, I couldn’t stop myself. Even with both of us crying like kindergarten kids, all of a sudden I see my future a lot brighter.

“I love you you… do you still love me? That’s all that I care about…”

“Of course I do, princess! But…”

Princess (not even Sica) and most importantly not Jessica. I’m hearing the nickname that annoyed me sometimes in the past but from Taengoo’s lips it’s like the biggest confirmation of her love.

I didn’t let her finish and kissed Taeyeon again with passion. She answered my kisses putting even more pressure into them.

Between those kisses as we missed each other lips so much I commented truthfully “we will figure all of this out… just tell me that you want to be with me… just tell me it’s not the end and we will figure absolutely everything out…with time… with patience… with everything… I love you, Taengoo… you know… I still have that proposal ring.”

Taeyeon looked at me with pure love and surprise. “You…do?”

To prove my point I take it out from my purse. All these years I kept in by my side. Not on my finger but somewhere close by…

“Should I put it back on or…?”

“No…”

“No?”

“No… you should give it back to me…”

“Wait…why?”

Taeyeon put her hand in front of herself smiling shortly. I can see sparks in her eyes. “I want to give it to you again some time in the future so…”

I didn’t realize I have held my breath for few seconds thinking that Taeyeon wants to end everything with me for good.

“What no… it is mine forever… you made your choice… learn to live with it!”

I showed her my tongue playfully, but then noticed that even though she laughed, she still seemed worried.

“Mmm… what are going to do…with your parents and…”

“You know I won’t leave them behind… they gave birth to me…they do love me… even in such manner…but maybe we can punish them a little… spending Christmas and New Year with friends… visiting them rarely in comparison with the past… though…well most likely… just spending Christmas with our friends instead of my parents…”

I laughed with relief and stole one more kiss from Taeyeon. I don’t know since when I became such a kissing monster but I just can’t help myself or control it anymore.

“I love this idea very much…”

I hold her face with both of my hands inches away from her eyes, her lips, her nose… my Taengoo…

“I’m so happy right now…but you still haven’t answered about this ring situation…”

Knowing what I want to hear Taeyeon ended my thought “It is yours, just like I am yours… but…”

Another but?

“But?”

“Maybe we should try elope next time.” She smiled cheekily at the comment and I had to laugh at that.

I kissed her one more time, happy that I come back, since there is no one else that could replace Taeyeon’s place in my heart and these years of distance showed that it is the same for her too.

 

[THE END]

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Irreplaceable [1/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; nothing is easy in love, but the saddest thing is when you lose it, especially if you had never imagined your life without that other person. There are times when other people get in between and ruin it, unknowingly to the two who are in love. This story concentrates on a painful break up (that probably shouldn’t even count as one) of Taeyeon and Jessica, and a second chance 6 years later.

 


 

PART 1

The airport is almost empty at 4 am in the morning. That’s how I prefer it because it leaves a lot of time to gather my thoughts. My thoughts that has been scattered since two days ago after Yoona’s call. You’re getting married. I guess for real this time… no more complications. No one getting in between.

I still remember waking up in a hospital bed with no one around. Just an empty room and all I could hear was my own beating heart. The last thing I remembered was rushing to our wedding ceremony. I was so happy and so in love. I always believed you felt the same. I put my trust in you. But I woke up alone. Next day visitors kept coming in and checking on my condition but none of them were you.

Yoona told me that you left the country two days after our marriage ceremony. Our wedding. A wedding that didn’t happen because I got in an accident.

I didn’t want to believe that you just left me and I tried searching for you. Asking friends, relatives, even your parents where you could be. No one told me that. Either they didn’t know or they didn’t want to tell me.

I guess that’s something I could have expected from your parents. They have never liked me. Surprisingly, the reason wasn’t the fact that I am a girl. They have always wished that you could marry your childhood friend Tiffany but I got in the way. That’s something they never forgave me for.

I knew that you were back in Seoul for some time now. Only after learning that you came back to get married…in the same place where we were suppose to share our vows and promise to stay together forever…I couldn’t just sit and wait.

I have no intention of interrupting your marriage. Despite everything I wish you happiness. I just want to know why…why haven’t you stayed by my side? Why you went away? Why you didn’t care?

xxx

I notice someone waving at me from across the airport. I told Yoona I don’t need escort from the airport but she still came.

“Jessica! Finally! I haven’t seen you in ages!” the girl literally jumped on me and it was a miracle that I managed to stand my ground.

“Let’s go see the city! No no… let’s go to our favorite places first…no wait… maybe we could eat somewhere first! Oh…I have so much on my mind! You probably forgot how Seoul looks! Let me show you everything!”

I laughed shortly “breathe…” and after that added more seriously. “I need to take care of something first…and then we can do whatever you like… I plan on staying for at least a couple of weeks”.

“Take care of something…you mean?”

“Yes…I need to know why… just a simple question… I think it is better to ask now. I don’t want to regret that I didn’t for the rest of my life. I need to know… maybe then I can move on.”

“You should have moved on long time ago! Wait how much time passed? About six years, right? You should have moved on at least five years ago… no wait you were still in a coma at that time… well at least four years ago!”

We headed out of the airport and I liked the support of Yoona, so I forced myself to keep on smiling. The girl kept on rambling about my moving on while I got lost in my thoughts again. How long it take Taengoo to move on? I shouldn’t call her that anymore…just Taeyeon…”

Taeyeon parents weren’t good actors and I could see that they were happy that we’re through when I tried searching for her and asked them where she could be. They were overjoyed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the one that’s Taeyeon is getting married to is Tiffany. That would be their preference, after all. Wait… maybe Yoona knows about this as well. After all, she somehow found out about the wedding.

“Eh…Yoong? Who’s Taeyeon is getting married to?”

My friend scowled at me “I keep telling you that you should move on and forget about her and you asked me this out of the blue? Were you even listening to what I am saying? Of course not… who am I fooling here… who knows…some guy… Barry, Baek? I don’t remember his name but he’s not someone that we know. I wouldn’t be surprised if the marriage is calculated as it would be beneficial for both of their companies… also Taeyeon’s parents approve of him if that’s what you’re curious about.”

“Of course they do”, I sigh defeated “anyone is better than me… but wait… why not Tiffany? I remember how her parents always said that they would be the happiest if Hwang were in my place instead… so Taeyeon likes guys now or what? I remember she once told me that I’m the only she sees.”

I realize that I said this bitterly but my mind is still clouded for all the information. I’m allowed to be angry. I have noticed that Yoong avoided my eyes from some time. But with my intense staring I won her over.

“Fany was the one who told me about the wedding because she’s the bridesmaid… just like in your wedding… well if you two had gotten married… you know I haven’t kept in touch with them and we started communicating only recently. The girls don’t even know that I told you about it…”

“I don’t even know what’s on their minds because they haven’t asked about you even once… I wish I could have come to the church that day so I would have at least seen what was happening there while you were in the hospital… Also Fany is actually taken. She got together with Sunny four years ago. I guess only Tae’s parents wished for them to be a thing”.

“I see…” it hurt knowing that Taeyeon never asked about me. Not even once. Did I meant so little to her?

“Do you know where I can find her?”

“Who? Tiffany?”

“Sunny… I haven’t talked with her for years…but I think she would tell me where I can find Taeyeon. We were good friends some time ago…also she should understand my reasons.”

Yoona seemed doubtful about it. “You know she changed a little…well she’s running after Tiffany like she’s a god now. Maybe I should ask… I will say that I can’t find Taeng but I need to give her something… I will think of an excuse. If you do that… she might just call Taeyeon herself and tell her that you’re back.”

Giving a second thought that was way better option so I had to agree. Ten minutes later we were sitting in the backseat of taxi and Yoona was already calling Sunny. Just like she guessed she got the answer quite immediately, though even I could hear Sunny’s discontent. I looked at the clock. 5 am. We should have probably discussed the time for the call.

Yoona told me that when Sunny talked with Taeyeon last time she mentioned that she plans on spending her Sunday at home so I had more than enough time to get a shower and get ready for the talk.

xxx

I stood in front of Taeyeon’s apartment around 9 am. I knew that she might be sleepy because she has always used her free days for extra sleep. Her logic told her that this way she gets all the hours of sleep that are necessary for humans thought obviously all the articles on the Internet told otherwise.

With trembling hand I knocked on the door and stood there waiting. I noticed that she doesn’t have peephole on her doors. That’s an advantage as she might just ignore me and leave me standing here. That’s not Taeyeon’s style… but she wasn’t there when I needed her the most. Why I am still making excuses for her?

I waited for about two minutes and knocked again. I counted the numbers in my mind to know how much time passed. That’s how pathetic I was.

The door on full swing caught me off guard. Now I realized the reason why it took Taeyeon some time since she stood there just in her towel, clutching it with one hand. Her hair was still wet and some drops of water were falling on the her shoulders and floor.

“What do you want?” Taeyeon asked before seeing who’s behind the door. The second her eyes landed on me she unconsciously gasped and before I could open my mouth shut the door in front of me.

I think I heard some voices inside the apartment but I couldn’t be sure. During these few seconds I only managed to see her face. The same face that I remembered and still dreamed about every night… It finally hit me how much I actually missed her. How irreplaceable she is for me.

I was about to knock again not ready to give up but before I could do that Taeyeon opened the doors herself. This time I managed to form a faint smile and said short “hello” while waiting for some reaction from the shorter girl.

It took her few more seconds to speak up “what do you want?” she repeated the question a bit annoyed but I could see curiosity behind those expressive eyes too. Some time ago… I knew them so well… could they lie to me? They never did before.

“Can I… come in? Can we talk?” I asked politely not sure how to start this conversation. I felt that Taeyeon is the one who should give me an explanation but for some reason standing right in front of her I feel petrified and can’t start demanding things. That’s not how I planned to have this conversation in my mind.

Believe me I imagined this scene way too many times. How I would speak my mind and made her listen. How I demand Taeyeon to explain her reasons… how she will apologize and we get back together… of course… that was only a dream.

“If you’re busy with someone else I can meet you any other day,” I added bitterly remembering the voices from inside the apartment.

I expected her to agree to this term but instead Taeyeon stood aside and let me in “that’s just my TV,” she commented simply while closing the door and rushing to the other room to turn it off. When she got back all I could hear was silence.

She looked at me expectantly. So yeah… I’m the one who needs to speak. Fine. I can speak. I have a lot to say.
I opened my mouth but nothing came up. I just stood there staring at her. Her figure that looked just I remember, her brown expressive eyes that always betrayed her little lies, her lips who shared the most beautiful smiles with me, the same lips that I couldn’t stop kissing and never got tired of.

I don’t think I was in my right mind when I stepped closer to her, cupping Taeyeon’s cheeks and capturing her lips. I have expected her to push me away as she froze under my touch but instead I felt her answering the kiss. She even pulling me closer. Few seconds later she bit my lip and not in a playful way.

This reminded me of situation and made me retreat from the kiss. I still felt her lips on mine. It felt like all my senses were coming back to me right this moment. Her smell invaded my nose. Her furious fuming, red and angry face caught my complete attention.

“What are you doing, Jessica? Do you think you can just get back from…who knows where and do this?”
Taeyeon… she rarely called me just by my name. But wait… what is she talking about.

“What do you mean?” I questioned confused why I am the one who’s being blamed for something.

“I’m talking about the fact that you have no right to do this to me again! You ran away from our wedding and what… now you found out that I’m getting married and decided to play more? I’m having none of it!” with unreasonable amount of strength Taeyeon pushed me through the door.

Before Taeyeon smashed the door into my face I noticed her eyes full of tears “I don’t need another break up letter from you!” with that I had to back out or the strength of the door would have broken my nose.

I stood few more seconds trying to gather my thoughts and understand what Taengoo was talking about. My Taengoo who kissed with the same passion like before… my Taengoo who cried when she saw me… I want to scream in frustration so someone…anyone would tell me what her words means! I have never written any letter to her…especially not a break up letter. What the hell? Why instead of getting answers after coming here I got even more questions?

From the last stare Taengoo gave me I doubt she going to tell me anything. But I need to ask around…someone will know what all of this means.

xxx

I met up with Yoong next morning because my curios friend wanted to know everything that happened the day before. I barely slept so my condition couldn’t be described as a good one. Still… I decided that there’s no point staying in bed and hiding from the reality of life.

“I’m so confused… Taengoo…I mean… Taeyeon blamed me for everything from the second she laid her eyes on me…well no… at first she slammed the doors and I thought that she might just leave me hanging.”

“And then?” Yoong seemed unusually calm about the situation. As if she was trying on purpose to control her usual vitality.

“Well… we talked a bit… well no… I stole a kiss and then we walked a bit…”

“You did WHAT?” yes, there is my friend. “Are you insane? You haven’t seen each other for six years and the first thing you do is steal a kiss? Are you retarded?”

“Eh…it kind of happened I didn’t plan it, you know!” I pouted because of the scowl and added “also… don’t you want to hear the full situation… not just beginning of it?”

Yoona eyed me as if I was really insane but nod encouraging me to continue. I told my best friend everything that happened in Taeyeon’s apartment and waited for some comments, even if she scowls at me again. It is better than that silence treatment that she’s now giving me.

Apparently I interpreted Yoona’s silence as a bad thing but the girl surprised me with a sudden comment.

“Maybe… I’m against it… but maybe you should try talk with Fany and Sunny…Tiffany might try to kill you… but there’s some hope that Sunny would tell you something if you convince her that you truly don’t know what is happening.”

“Maybe… Maybe I should try…”

xxx

I waited for a day knowing that Yoong arranged the meeting and drove to Sunny’home. I don’t know about her and Tiffany relationship status, but they are living together so it must be serious. I knock on their front door nervously and let out a breath I have been holding when Sunny was the one opening the doors.

“Oh…hi,” she greeted me awkwardly while letting me in. I think I heard her whisper “I’m sorry if Fany…” but she didn’t get a change to finish the sentence as Tiffany came from their kitchen.

“You have already ruin a perfect morning… so just tell us what you want and leave. I hope you can fled the city like before. The sooner – the better.”

I bit my lip unsure how to start the conversation (it was unusual for me to react this way. Any other day I would have had a good comeback for Tiffany’s rude comment, but confusion somehow clouded my mind.) Luckily Sunny nod her head encouraging me.

“I’m…I have met with Taeyeon few days ago…”

Tiffany raised her hand while pointing in my direction accusingly “See Sunny! I told you… who else could leave Taeyeon such a mess! Of course it had to be you,” she added through gritted teeth and I had to step back a bit.

I have always had somewhat decent relationship with Tiffany. We barely spend time together, I could probably count those times on my fingers and also all of them were with either Taengoo or Sunny. Surprisingly these two weren’t even together back then. To put it simple, we were neither friends nor enemies, it worked out for us that way. This hostility though came out of nowhere.

I tried to forget Tiffany’s accusation for a moment and concentrated on my reason coming here. ” I know you lost contact with Yoong and there is a lot that she can’t tell me. The thing is… I need to find out what had happened.”

“You left my best friend at the altar waiting for you. That’s what happened.”

“Well yes…obviously I couldn’t come because of my…”

I didn’t get to finish when unexpectedly Tiffany slapped me. “Really? You talk so freely about it? Just leave. Taeyeon is happy and she doesn’t need you anymore. If I have to see her as hurt as she has been back then…I will haunt you down.”

Tiffany stopped her threatening stance when she heard microwave in the kitchen. “When I get back…I don’t want to see this one in my home.”

She immediately turn around and walked out leaving me speechless. I turn to look at Sunny who scratched her head and smiled apologetically “I told Yoona that there is only one way this conversation could go… but I also made a promise… she said that it is literally the last thing she’s going to ask from me… so here.”

Sunny extended her hand with a key in it.

“Is that…what I think it is?”

“Yoona probably has some sort of plan… I think it is best if you discuss it with her.”

Sunny looked at the direction of kitchen with a wonder “I think you should go…Tiffany might come back with a knife.”

I looked at the girl wide eyed. I knew that Tiffany had a temper when it came to certain things so it is better not to risk it. I took the key rushing to their front door but still… I had to ask… to get a confirmation so I can either move on or maybe…fight for my one true love.

“Is…she really happy?”

I should have asked Sunny this earlier because she already rushed me outside when Tiffany came back to the room. Before closing the doors she looked at me wondering for a second, she didn’t say anything but shook her head.

I got an answer that made my heart flutter with hope… Taengoo…I’m going to figure out what all of this means. This can’t be the end of our story.
I had been back home for almost five days now. I met few of my classmates that we lost touch through the years, and once evening Yoona forced me to have dinner with her and SeoHyun (as if I haven’t know the girl). Of course… I haven’t seen Hyun for a long time, but I have always remembered how she ran away from my ‘crazy in love’ best friend.

I think Seohyun even moved to a different country running away from her stalker…but guess what, Yoong didn’t waste her time and moved right after her.

Surprisingly all this creepiness payed off, Seohyun agreed to go out with her and realized that she might as well fall for older (but less mature) girl.

They have been together ever since, I knew this because Yoong called me telling all the details of their relationship. It creeps me out how much I knew but tried not to show it or Seohyun might as well try to run away from my friend again.

Honestly, there meeting were good distractions but no matter what I did… Taeyeon stayed on my mind…and in my heart.

xxx

Yoong told me that we need to be cautious and wait until Taeyeon leaves for work. She has also shared that crazy idea of breaking into her apartment and searching for that letter… letter that ruined our past and that I wasn’t even aware that existed.

We could go to jail for breaking in… but what else is there to do… Taeyeon hasn’t tried to speak with me again, Tiffany would probably run me down with a car if I try to get in contact with Sunny again… and I’m definitely not going to meet Taeyeon’s parents again. They don’t care about my misery.

We agreed that Yoona will be on the look out, she mentioned that there might be a chance that Taeyeon burn or thrown my letter away or maybe it doesn’t even exist and she just told me about it just to mess with my head, but I knew my Taengoo too well…

She wouldn’t have throw it away… she would have kept it and read it repeatedly trying to convince herself that what is written is true. I have just hoped that I can find her hiding place.

xxx

The big day come and I was looking around the apartment. Yoona agreed to text me if she sees something suspicious and because we went quite early… I had hope to end this mission successfully.

Look at me acting like a child. But ask yourself… what would you do if your world turn upside down just like that.

After an hour of aimless search and Yoong texting me randomly out of boredom, I was close to giving up until I noticed Taeyeon perv section. I will let your imagination ruin wild what kind of things there were… would she leave it inside something like this? I had to check.

YES! I was close to tearing up for finding that letter. As I guessed it has been used many. It instantly caught my attention ‘Dear Taengoo’… was written down on the envelope.

I was taken back a bit realizing that it definitely resembles my handwriting. It is not an exact 100% match… but even I would have believed that these are my thoughts.

Too much of a coincidence, if I might add.

My hands were shaking but I couldn’t wait any longer. I looked inside to read everything that has been written. Unconsciously tears started falling down my cheeks.

xxx

Dear Taengoo,

I have been thinking about this for so long… I couldn’t say when my doubts started… were they before you proposed to me or after…

But they always stayed in my head… torturing me…

It is all my fault, for waiting so long… for not expressing them out loud… for leading you on…

I’m choosing the worst possible moment to say this… but if not now…when?

I would only make it harder if I come today… I don’t want a scene where I burst into tears while standing next to you at the altar and ran out like in some drama…

I also realize it is unfair to you no matter what I do. Especially when you stayed by my side…fought for this love.

Everyone around us kept telling you that at some point I will give up, but you were so determined to make me yours… with your pervert comments and cuddles.

You kept telling me how beautiful and special I am…and I guess… I just didn’t want to lose any of that. I got spoiled by your attention and hide my true feelings somewhere deep inside.

I realize now… maybe I DO love you… but it is not the same thing you feel for me.

I’m so sorry Taengoo! But you have time now… time to find the one for yourself! Your true love! Time to move on from an idiot like me!

I wish to see you happy… but it is better for me to disappear… If I stayed near it would only hurt you more.

This is a goodbye… please don’t hate me.

xxx

 
What the hell have I just read? It sounded like me… that’s the worst part. Not the point about our love…my love for Taengoo… but everything else… gosh… everyone saw that I was freaking out and even expressed uncertainty about our wedding back then.

What bride wouldn’t panic before her wedding, though? I need to think… there has to be a clue or something…

I was about to read it again and torture myself even more if I haven’t heard familiar-confused voice.

“What…what are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked while unconscionably dropping down her keys.

The Only One I Care About [1/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; If a story starts with tears… should it end with a smile?

 


 

PART 1

[Kim Taeyeon Story]

 

I ran as fast as I can. I was breathless, even felt that I might lose consciousness at any second but I still kept on running. This can’t be happening. That’s not true. It can’t be… just can’t.

 

These and similar words were aimlessly reaching my mind and I couldn’t block them. I couldn’t block the bad thoughts either. Actually the more I ran and the closer I get to the hospital the more tantalizing they were. I couldn’t take it anymore. I even breathed out with relief when I finally reach the place. Relief that shouldn’t be there… relief that soon was washed away from me.

 

“I’m so sorry, TaeTae… they tried to save her. They really did… but they couldn’t do anything. She’s… she’s dead”

 

My best friend Fany kept repeating these words with tears in her eyes but I couldn’t believe it. I kept on insisting that it can’t be true, that its just a nightmare. That I will wake up next morning and everything will be alright. I fainted back there because of shock, shortage of breath and never stopping tears.

 

xxx

 

Only few weeks later after the funeral Fany and I sat in my room and talked about everything. We couldn’t meet anywhere else because I didn’t want to leave the place where Jessica and I shared our happiest moments.

 

I felt exhausted and couldn’t even cry anymore. Tiffany mentioned that I’m emotional mess right now but as mine and Jessica’s best friend she understood me the best. She’s the only one I talked about all of this.

 

“She was always so reckless…rushing to meet me no matter what… if I haven’t called she wouldn’t had driven so fast… she was so lazy with other people but with me… it was a different story”

 

“Yeah, TaeTae… but she has never been careful. She broke her leg couple of times before, do you remember? She always ran whenever you called even if she had enough of time. She loved you too much to wait another second… everyone around you two saw it. I think even Jessi realized this but she didn’t care”.

 

“That’s not fair, Fany-ah… if I wasn’t in the picture… maybe… it is just not fair”.

 

Fany frowned a little and scolded me.

 

“Jessica wouldn’t want for you to blame yourself. Also, she was the happiest when she was with you. I’m pretty sure she was on cloud nine when she was driving to see you… maybe she even di…” she stopped herself as we both promised not to mentioned word death as to this point I still couldn’t accept the truth.

 

“You should go out more… you can’t stay locked in this room…”.

 

 

Easier said than done. Still after few more weeks I managed to leave my home. Most of the time I visited Jessica’s grave. Other times I just sat in the park and stared blankly at the view in front of me. Until one day everything changed.

 

xxx

 

 

“What’s on your mind? It seems like you can’t get over something”, unknown girl commented as she sat next to me. Strangers never bothered to talk with me and I didn’t bother to answer but this time felt different. Something about her was different. I couldn’t quite grasp what that was.

 

“I lost someone I love… I don’t really care how it looks”.

 

“Oh really? And this park has significant meaning for both you and that person, right? I can see it in your aura”.

 

“What? Yes its was our special place but… why are you talking so strangely…and who are you?”

 

“You can call me, Sunny, but that doesn’t matter. So what would you say if I told you that I can take you to one exact moment in time where you can change something. It can be something that occurred three or five years ago, even ten. Well, actually ten is my limit.”

 

“I would say that its the craziest thing I have ever heard and I have to go”.

 

I stood up angry thinking that this stranger is mocking me but she caught my hand and smiled sympathetically “think about this… what if there’s such opportunity and you will just pass on it? You know… you can go for now… if you come to this park tomorrow at the same time like now and tell me the date… I will bring you there. Maybe for you I sound like a crazy person and I’m aware of this but you should at least consider my suggestion. Take your time. If I won’t see you here tomorrow…I will understand your answer”.

 

She let go of my hand and I just ran. Who would believe something like that?

 

That’s insane.

 

Still it kept bugging me for all day long, I couldn’t sleep at night either. What if? Without me realizing I left my home early in the morning and went to that park. I still had few hours for the exact time when I met the strange girl.

 

Maybe that’s just some trick and someone will actually abduct me or will try to kill me. Do I care? They can do whatever they like. But what if…?

 

After two hours of waiting Sunny sat next to me. I didn’t see where she came from as it looked like she appeared from thin air. Before I opened my mouth she commented.

 

“I can hear your answer…I can see where you want to go… good luck”, she smiled friendly, stood up and walked off.

 

This must be fake. I sat on that bench for few more hours but nothing happened. The feeling was so strange… while sitting I noticed something. The newspaper…I need to see the date on that newspaper.

 

I ran after the old lady and asked nicely to see the front page. 2012/06/28… four years ago. I need to get out off here.

 

I looked around and hid behind the tree when I saw familiar figure walking down the path to the same bench that I sat on before.

 

Jessica, my baby… you’re here. I just stared at her for ten minutes while hiding. I remember this day as it happened yesterday. We met in this park after chatting for some time on the Internet.

 

We came here with distrust because someone you met on the Internet can be a killer or just child who wants to play games. But after three months of communication through Tumblr we decided to risk it.

 

That was the day we fell in love with each other and Jessica never left my side after it. Until she died… I had to remember this. I forced myself to remember it because that was the reason why I was here. This moment in time.

 

My heart wanted to go… go there and meet Jessica all over again. But my mind told me otherwise… that’s why I turn around and walked out of her life.

 

Not that I was even in her life… at least not in this reality. Jessica will probably think that her pen pal stood her up. It is better this way…I can’t be selfish now.

 

She will never know about me but at least I got a chance with her. At least I know that she will live…she will meet someone else and be happy… even if all of that happens without me.

 

 


 


 

[Jung Jessica Story]

 

Do you ever have that feeling… like a six sense that something should have happened but it never did? I have spend two years of my life like that… with wonder… for some reason going back to that same scene in the park.

 

I had a pen pal once… it was a little bit different as I never before felt connection to someone I haven’t met in person. I had no idea how she looked and knew only few details of that girl’s life… but we confessed our fears and dreams to each other, and we agreed to meet one day.

 

I felt that my life might change if I see her… never before I felt so excited and nervous… but she never showed up. She stopped messaging me back and just disappeared…

 

Have you ever felt like you lost someone you never even had in a first place? Like your heart is going to explode for this one particular reason… Truthfully, at first I was really angry. I couldn’t believe that she just stood me up. I waited for two hours still hoping that maybe something happened and she’s running late.

 

Later on, I started wondering that maybe she saw me… saw me and decided that I’m not worth her time. That’s what a blind date is, right? If you decide that you don’t like another person you can just leave. You don’t need to see them ever again. No one cares if one side fall in love with the other, if the feeling is not mutual. But shouldn’t I be angry? If that’s really the case… all I can feel is disappointment.

 

 

 

Despite always feeling weird whenever I remembered this incident I decided I need to push this aside.

 

I noticed a girl… Taeyeon… four years later after that incident in a park, and somehow I decided to leave that period of my past behind.

 

I saw Taeyon in a small book shop where I had my part time job helping out my sister.

 

Taeyeon hadn’t noticed me as I was always running around, carrying books, doing whatever errands my sister (who got me this job) throw my way.

 

But I always noticed Taeyeon… I heard her name few time because she visited this place with friends.

 

Some days she came alone and spend hours while looking through the books with me awkwardly lurking around the corners and admiring her every move.

 

Have you ever felt mesmerized by someone? Someone you haven’t even spoked with… feeling a pull as if you see your destiny in front of you but something stops you from coming up front and saying a simple ‘Hello’?

 

 

 

Many times I wanted to go and talk with her, suggest a book or ask if she’s looking for something specific.

 

I was easy going and can communicate with whoever, even flirt with people that I barely knew but this girl… Taeyeon… I never dared to do any of that.

 

Instead…one time when she almost noticed me I hid behind some books and a ladder. I felt relief that she hadn’t noticed it but I also kept on wondering why… what keeps me away from her? It is like some force kept holding me and dragging me away…

 

Surprisingly, whenever she left the shop I felt like my old self. Full of confidence to do whatever it takes… to conquer the world…

 

It happened right before Christmas… I heard Taeyeon talking with my sister Krystal and she mentioned of leaving the city. She even sounded apologetic admitting that it is her favorite book shop in the city and she hopes she could keep on coming here.

 

We had a tradition on giving away books before Christmas, especially to regular costumer who helped with the business. I knew that my sister plans to give a book for Taeyeon as well… usually it didn’t matter what kind of book we chose… either way the reader appreciated the thought.

 

Taeyeon promised to come back to stay goodbye and I decided this is as good time as any to write down something that has been on my mind for some time. I took one of the books forcing Krystal to promise that she will give this to Taeyeon (I had to do a lot of convincing as my sister found this truly strange but she agreed to do it for the sake of my mind).

 

All was left to do is sit down and wrote it down but while looking at the paper I couldn’t express my thoughts anymore. I spend almost all night nervously rewriting my sentences and throwing away those papers. When I noticed that there’s not much time left I decided to settle with my last statements and copied it into the book.

 

I watched from the corner as my younger sister gave Taeyeon our little present still unsure why I can’t go there. Why something is stopping me for talking out loud or just going to stand around the corner and greet the girl… All I could do was just look at her from afar.

 

Only when Taeyeon left and I knew she’s not coming here next day I felt like screaming and crying. Tears just rolled down my face uncontrollably while I walked into the other room so no other customers could see me.

 

This hurt… really hurt… but also I felt relief… I manage to do at least one thing… I manage to express my thoughts and feelings into paper. Who knows when she will notice it… today, tomorrow or maybe a year later… still… one day she will open the book and see my little note. Maybe she will even smile finding out that there was someone who liked her this way…

 

…I hope that at least she will smile…

 


 

 

[Jessica’s Note in a Book]

I love you, isn’t it crazy considering that you don’t know who I am? You don’t know how I look, what is my personality, what are my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t know that about you either… I barely know you, only staring from the distance, only seeing the admiration you have for those love stories, for those novels you buy one after the other. I don’t know what kind of life you have outside this place but still… I can’t help myself. I love you in the same way how they describe love in poems: I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you this way because I don’t know any other way how I could do it. In my imagination… you’re by my side… in my imagination you love me the same way. Without understanding or needing reason to. I’m a coward unable to express my feelings but when you read this short note…know that there is someone in this world who truly admires you… and no matter what — cherishes this feeling…

your secret fan, Jessica Jung