Irreplaceable [2/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; nothing is easy in love, but the saddest thing is when you lose it, especially if you had never imagined your life without that other person. There are times when other people get in between and ruin it, unknowingly to the two who are in love. This story concentrates on a painful break up (that probably shouldn’t even count as one) of Taeyeon and Jessica, and a second chance 6 years later.


“I’m on my way, Yoong… wait, that would work too. I will be there in just few minutes you can go and meet me in the street,”I ended conversation with my best friend while driving in a limo. Obviously in the backseat. Yes, Taengoo wanted that I showed up to our wedding in a limo. She’s even more romantic that I am. I guess she’s responsible for all the romance in our relationship, but I never complained as I can’t be as brave and free with my feelings as she is.

Taengoo knows that I’m a bit nervous about our marriage. We have been together for some time, actually a long time and she was the one who proposed to me. I remember it clearly… every detail of it. Having some time until reaching both Yoong and the Church I decided to look back at those memories.


My taxi stopped and after paying the driver I step out of the car looking around curious until I noticed Taengoo standing on the small white bridge. Obviously she waited for me all this time (it took me about an hour to come here because of work distractions and I was really apologetic about the delay.) Her eyes were on me the moment I stepped out of the vehicle.

Taeyeon walked slowly in my direction when the driver left and we somehow met halfway. I smiled mischievously knowing that my best friend and my girlfriend planned something, just unsure what exactly that was.

“I don’t see Yoona anywhere…  and she’s the one who asked me to rush here.”

Taengoo laughed while commenting and explaining “I have performed a magic trick and made her disappear. So now you will have to spend time with me… as disappointing as it sounds.”

I pretended to be annoyed but couldn’t stop the smile that appeared on my face. “I have never thought that Yoong could be such a good liar… she didn’t even flinch when I called her to ask about our meeting and apologizing that I will be running late.”

Taeyeon shrugged her shoulder while linking her arm with mine “well… I asked very politely for her help. Yoona just couldn’t tell me no.”

“What did you promise her?”

Taeyeon just laugh but I knew that most likely it was something Seohyun related as Yoona is seriously interested in that girl. Whenever we try talking about other topics it somehow still ends up with Seohyun. Seohyun just got her driver’s license. Seohyun just bought a new car… yes, I also saw Seohyun in that shop…and so on. I think you can imagine what I have in mind. We all have this kind of friend.

We walked to the bridge and stood on it. Well actually Taeyeon stopped and turn around to face me “and there’s a reason why you’re here with me instead of your friend. I know you would prefer the later..hehehe… but…”

I widened my eyes as a good theatrical actress (if I was one) “well I would have dressed better knowing that I’m meeting you. Your loss.”

“I don’t care if you go around in pajamas with dinosaurs or puppies, or cats, or bunnies on it, I will still believe that it looks good on you.”

I squinted my eyes and blushed a little which made me want to change this topic instantly. Until Taeyeon noticed it and didn’t use it as some sort of opportunity. “But it’s really beautiful here. You love showing things like this to me…I should have guessed that no way Yoong would have invited me to see such scenery”, I added with ‘duh’ written on my forehead (figuratively speaking.)

Taeyeon seemed to miss out on comment about Yoona and instead took both of my hands in hers “well… it doesn’t matter how you get here. The most important part is that you’re here now.”

“Mmm… I feel like I have heard this many times before.”

“Maybe that’s just expression I use… but this is important to me,” she added making serious face and for some reason letting go of my hands.

“Are you going to break up with me?” I ended up asking without giving a chance for Taeyeon to speak up. Maybe I have panicked a little bit. Well… not maybe… I did panic for a moment.

“What? No. You wish,” she said jokingly which helped with the mood. Taeyeon looked really nervous now and I started wondering what might be the reason for it.

Looking around and gathering her courage she finally spoke up, not breaking eye contact with me “I’m not even sure how to describe how nervous I’m right now… I’m nervous both about my speech and about your reaction. Either way… I’m hoping for the best.”

While she talked it started raining slowly. “Okay… maybe the fact that weather changed so drastically is not such a good sigh” she added while biting her lip and looking down.

For that reason I suggested simply “well…ehm… we can go in your car if you want… you drove here, right?” and I almost turn around to walk in that direction after actually noticing Taeyeon’s car, but my girlfriend stopped me while grabbing me by the hand.

“No…no… I better do this now. As long as I’m still…somewhat brave…”

Taeyeon breathed in more air while kneeling on the ground, taking black little box from her pocket.

“Jessica Jung… you’re the girl I love. The girl I always dreamed about. Person I want to spend the rest of my life with. In good and bad. Whatever comes our way. Would you like to marry me and make me the happiest person on this planet?”

Taeyeon asked the full question, considering the fact that I let her finish as a good sigh. It still rained around us, this time even harder, and Taeyeon waited for my answer with hopeful expression.

I looked down a bit nervous, I don’t know if Taengoo could have read my emotions and sense that nervousness, but obviously I had a lot of it. Despite all that, it didn’t take me long to answer ‘YES!’ and hug her as tightly as I could. Taeyeon even complained that she couldn’t breathe.

But the truth is that with that question she made me the happiest girl on this planet. I didn’t even need that wedding…I was already happy as it is.


I think I got lost in the memories because that was the last thing I remembered. This scene kept on repeating in my mind while I was in coma. Contrary to the popular belief I didn’t really hear what my visitors told me. Instead I kept reliving it and was actually happy. I’m not sure if even wanted to wake up. Would you want to wake up from the most beautiful dream ever?

Somehow I still did. Then Yoona told me about what had happened. A truck hit my limo in front of her eyes. That’s why she didn’t manage to go to Church and stayed by my side instead. She only called Taeyeon’s parent and didn’t even call to tell other friends of ours, too panicked about the whole situation.

Yoona wanted to do it next day but Taeyeon wasn’t there anymore. She didn’t visit me even once, though Yoona had talked with her parents and even asked them to BEG for her to show up and maybe then I would wake up sooner.

Taeyeon even changed her phone number. I know this…because despite being angry and hurt after leaving the hospital I still tried to call her. Though almost a year passed with me in a coma.

Surprisingly I have never blamed Taeyeon. I was angry… but not as much as person in this situation would usually be. They would just turn around, move on, never think of a person that left them on their worse and didn’t even check on them ever again. I tried moving on… I have traveled a lot… but still thought about Taengoo constantly.

I didn’t manage to find another love. I tried but never hard enough…and it never actually turned into any sort of relationship that would be worth either mine or that person’s time. I felt like taking a break all these six years. Like the time actually stopped for me the moment when that truck hit my limo.

But finding out that everything is not as it seems… that Taeyeon actually got a break up letter from someone who pretended to be me… I wasn’t sure what to think. Still somehow… I had hope… Sunny did shake her head when I asked if Taeyeon is actually happy. If she’s not… if this marriage is not going to make her happy… why can’t I try to at least find out the truth? Who and why they wrote that letter? Why I didn’t find the love of my love next to me when I woke up?

So many questions and so little time to get all the answers…




I was about to read that break up letter again and torture myself even more if I haven’t heard familiar-confused voice.

“W-what are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked while unconscionably dropping down her keys.

She squinted her eyes and seemed beyond angry.

“What are you doing at my home? I’m calling the police if you’re not leaving right now… and what…” she was going to ask what I have in my hand but I think she recognized the letter. “Why…why…are you holding it?”

I panicked a little bit. Unsure how I should feel right now. Sad? Angry? Happy that Taeyeon left with me with a reason? Which emotion would be normal in such weird and unpredictable situation?

Also, why Yoona didn’t alarm me that Taeyeon is coming back home. That girl is probably hiding somewhere around the corner and talking with Seohyun on the phone. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s literally the case.

“I have it…because I have just learnt of the existence of it from you few days ago… also I wanted to know what this is. It is the first time I’m seeing this…thing,” I added while looking shortly at the envelope with letter inside of it.

Taeyeon raised her eyebrows shortly “wow…really? What do you really want, Jessica? Destroy my second wedding? Do I have some sort of curse that I just can’t get married or the world will end? I’m so tired of this…” she commented and actually sigh.

I could see that Taeyeon meant what she said. Also, my Taengoo looked more tired than usual.

“Why would I lie? Am I someone who just wants to hurt you and destroy your happiness?”

“I don’t know! Are you?” once again, that tired tone, tired eyes but still some sparking anger behind them.

After a surprise that Taengoo might actually think this way, it took me some time to voice out my thoughts. Actually, some time to process and gather it as well.

“I mean it, Jessica… I’m calling the police. How did you get in my home? I do have security… I’m so tired of…all of this…”

“You do seem tired…”

I somehow ended saying without considering the outcome. Obviously Taeyeon will get mad at me because of it. She will think that I’m teasing her in some way. She’s already thinking the worse of me. But not hearing her comment or screams I added.

“Call the police.”


“I don’t care. Call the police. I won’t leave until we have a normal conversation… even if you’re really tired and want to sleep… if you fall asleep I can just sit here and wait until you wake up. I’m just as tired as you are. Waking up in the hospital without you beside me…finding out that you left to see the world, the fact that you change your phone number and I couldn’t even call you to tell you that I’m finally awake…you know what… that was also the worse experience of my life. Worse than getting hit by a truck. So I’m tired too. We’re talking this through.”


I could see confusion written all over her face. Even if I wouldn’t believe Taeyeon’s sincerity this would prove it straight away. That’s the face of someone who really has no idea what you’re talking about and hears it for the very first time.

“I hadn’t written this letter. It is impressive…I will give you that… I did have my doubts, haven’t I? It describes the situation quite well… ACTUALLY… there are certain parts which I only told your parents. As ironic as that sounds.”

Taeyeon let me talk just standing there and staring in front of herself and I used this time to look back at the letter.

“For example… I mentioned my doubts about our marriage to them… but also, pointed out that I haven’t talked with you about it. Just like this line: But they always stayed in my head… torturing me…I had also mentioned that it is probably the worst possible moment to have these doubts as our wedding is just around the corner… Just like this line: I’m choosing the worst possible moment to say this… but if not now…when?


I heard Taengoo begging quietly but I was in too deep. I just needed to finish it. I felt that while voicing everything out… I will understand the situation as well.

“I told them…that the reason I love you some much is because you always stayed by my side and fought for our love even when I was a coward. Exact replica of that is in this letter too: I also realize its unfair to you no matter what I do. Especially when you stayed by my side…fought for this love. Your parents have witnessed both your pervert comments and skin ship which is also mentioned in the letter. Even the last point… about asking that you wouldn’t hate me. That’s what would I say! They read me like an open book, haven’t they? And you do realize that your parents always hated me, right?”

Taengoo shook her head slightly. She looked a bit… distant.

“Well…maybe you were the only one unaware of this fact. Everyone else knew this… I know that Tiffany hates me now…but I’m pretty sure that even she can confirm it. Also, you can just pay someone to write such letter! They can even copy your handwriting! I don’t understand how everyone could have been so dense! Yoona hadn’t talked with Tiffany and Sunny for years…I didn’t know about this stupid letter for so long… most of the things only making sense right now… don’t you get it? And why are you getting married in the first place? Because your parents want you to? for the company? for the future? Are you even happy…?”

It made perfect sense in my mind: I got in an accident. Taeyeon’s parents find out about it first and used this opportunity. They had enough of money to fake it all. Who knows, maybe they even had a letter prepared just in case. They fooled both Taeyeon and me.

“Haven’t you ever considered that maybe…?” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I think I was so concentrated on revealing the truth, that finally made sense to me, that I haven’t noticed Tae’s expression.

I managed to catch the girl at the last moment as she fainted. I should have payed more attention that something was off. She was too tired… too stressed…





Three days later I found myself in the hospital. Ironically that same hospital that I spend so much time in the past. Of course I happened to end up here for a completely different reason. This time it was Taengoo related. She was exhausted and needed hospitalization, they even wondered what would have happened if I hadn’t been in her apartment when I was.

Other part of her exhaustion was stress and I guess hearing everything what I have told her was the breaking point.

Even with a lot of controversy as you can guess, I mean Tiffany who couldn’t trust me easily, I still managed to stay by Taeyeon’s side all this time. Luckily the girls agreed not to tell her parents. At least for now… and hospital didn’t find it as a necessity too.

A lot of things happened in these couple of days and Yoona used this time to finally have a serious conversation with both Tiffany and Sunny. I heard that the conversation was really long and probably tiring.

The density of people surprise me sometimes. I’m not saying that I’m any better, but no one actually discussing anything for this long… the world is a strange and scary place. It just proves that if you won’t fight for your happiness, no one else will do that for you.

It’s a bit hard to change your mind overnight, so Tiffany still had a little bit of a problem while communicating with me in a civilized manner. She agreed to talk about the past and apologized for the slap, and I realized that I should just give this girl some time. After all, she blamed me for all of Taeyeon’s misfortunes, she found me as the responsible person for everything and she even had a good relationship with Taeyeon’s parents all these years. So it was hard to realize and accept the fact that things happened in a completely different order.

Still Tiffany and Sunny agreed and told me what happened during these years. Taeyeon took our ‘break up’ that didn’t even happened, really bad. She had depression for few years. She traveled whenever she could without staying in one place for long, to put in simply: she just wanted to get lost. There were times when Taeyeon even left her friends worried if she’s still alive and kicking as no news came from her for months.

Few years ago she came back with somehow controlled feelings and concentrated on her work. Taengoo became a workaholic since most of the time she spend nights at work, simply getting lost in all of those papers rather than having to deal with other people.

She stopped believing in love that’s why even this whole arrangement to get married for the well being of her company and for the happiness of her parents didn’t sound like a bad idea.

The Taengoo that I remember would have never agreed to get married with someone whom she didn’t love.

This helped me realize that I wasn’t the only one who had it bad. Who was confused, hurt… all was left to do is talk with her… wait for Taengoo to wake up…for as long as it takes… with hope that she believes me, with hope that she loves me the same way that I do love her, with hope that she still wants to be with, with hope that she will tell me that it’s not the end of our love.



“Hello, yes, I do remember you. You were my patient back then, right? Well not mine… I was just a nurse… I’m a doctor now”

I nod my head remembering this girl. She was there when I woke up. I looked down at her name tag, doctor Choi Sooyoung. Yes, the name sounds familiar.

“Yes, you did take good care of me. Thank you for that… and for this… you were the one who agreed that we don’t need to call every single person Taeyeon knows, so it is not necessary for her parents to show up, right?”

“You’re all grown ups, so yes, I didn’t think that’s necessary. Also, it looks like she’s in good hands. She should wake up soon enough.”

I nod my head feeling both thankful and nervous unsure what else to say. After doctor Choi left I sat down in my usual spot next to Taengoo’s bed and looked at her sleeping face.

So calm and peaceful… as beautiful as I remembered. Even more beautiful with years…

Surprisingly, she opened her eyes pretty much at the same moment when doctor Choi closed doors after herself. At first, looking at the ceiling, and then slowly turning her eyes in my direction.

I tried to form a smile. Apologetic one. I think it turn out to be a nervous one but that’s all I managed to do for the time being.

“Hey…” I whispered nervously while readjusting a strand of Taengoo’s hair. “You’re up… do you… feel rested? At least… a little bit…?”

She kept her gaze on me while I still couldn’t take my hand away. Having an opportunity to touch her skin even for a short while, I couldn’t stop myself for using this chance.


She cough and there is no surprise as she hadn’t spoken for three days just laying in bed. I felt a bit disappointed that I need to take my hand away, but of course I rushed to give her the water she asked for. I helped Taeyeon out with drinking it and can see how her face looked more lively afterwards.

“You had to stay in a hospital for few more days because you were exhausted and needed recovery… I know you’re not a fan of hospitals but… that was the only possible outcome.”

Taengoo nod her head slowly “you stayed…in here?” asking carefully.

I gathered my thoughts realizing that she probably have heard my short interaction with doctor Choi, so I nod my head with confirmation.

“Not in this exact bed… but yeah… I had spend some time in here…”

“That’s not some time… that’s a whole year…”

Taeyeon commented sadly turning her eyes away from mine and staring at the ceiling. I wish I could read what she was thinking, I can only guess… but I want to know for real.

“TAEYEON! I HAVE JUST HEARD ABOUT THIS!” I turn to look at the door as tall, dark haired guy ran inside with worry written all over his face. So that must be the…groom.

He ignored my existence going straight to the love of my life.

“You got me so worried when I have heard about it!”

Taeyeon looked at him smiling apologetically, and answering really quietly. I could barely make out the words she used “sorry… that really… didn’t include my plans…”

All I could feel was jealousy. How long this guy stayed by her side when I was away? Does he mean anything to Taeyeon? What if all of a sudden she realized that she’s developing feelings for him and they are in a serious relationship… what if earlier Taeyeon got angry when I showed up because she actually wanted this wedding to happen… what if…

“Excuse me… maybe you could leave us alone for at least couple of minutes?” he looked in my direction smiling politely. Like I’m some bug flying around and disturbing his love nest. Are you kidding me?

I nod my head obediently “yes… of course”.

Before leaving I looked at Taeyeon for one more time, but she averted her eyes avoiding my gaze. Should I take this as a bad sign? I have no other choice just to walk out and wait outside.

I’m not even sure what I’m even waiting for…



It would have been foolish of me to stand outside the door and try to listen what they are talking about, that thought crossed my mind but I probably wouldn’t have heard anything as Tae’s bed was far away from the door and I doubt they intent to scream.

I know… I haven’t forgotten that Sunny told me that Taengoo is not happy but what if she is…what if those six years that haven’t changed anything for me… that haven’t changed my feelings at all… not only scattered Taeyeon’s world but changed her dreams and hopes as well. Changed her love…

I couldn’t stop myself from panicking. That’s all I did. I’m not sure how long those two even talked… did they agree to change the date of the wedding because of Taeyeon’s exhaustion? Did they confess to each other that they can’t live without one another? Did they… no… I don’t want to imagine anything else.

Finally, probably after at least 10 minutes that guy (I don’t know his name because all Yoona told me was that it starts with B…) walked out looking for me. I didn’t notice hate or blame… maybe Taeyeon did chose him? Maybe he doesn’t even know about my existence and about our past?

“You can go back in,” that’s all he told me and walked away.

Confused I walked inside trying to smile in the same manner like before. I walked back to the same spot I stood earlier, staring back at Taeyeon who didn’t turn her eyes away from me the moment I walked in.

All of a sudden, I can see tears filling up in her eyes.

Wait… no…

I soon leaned in catching them with my fingers and spoke up with worry “no no…it is okay… I understand… if you forgot about me… if you don’t love me anymore… if all of this is too much… if it has been too long… I understand… I just… I want you to be happy…” I could feel myself tearing up as well. That’s what to expect in this situation I guess.

I’m close to giving up my love… if I have to leave Seoul again and never come back for the sake of you…my love… I will…now when I know everything that happened in the past…I just want to see you happy… even if the person who makes you happy is not me…

“So it’s okay… you can ask me anything… I understand…I’m sorry if this disturbed you…changed your plans or…”

“Y-you…should be angry,” Taengoo commented surprised with tears still streaming down her beautiful face.

“What? Why?”


“Stop… Taengoo… I don’t blame you for anything. Why are you blaming yourself?”

“I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I SHOULD HAVE GUESSED! Instead of getting hurt and running away… I should have search more… find Yoona and get a confirmation of that letter… I believed it so easily… HATE ME!”

“I could never hate you… you’re the only one I love,” I whispered while leaning closer.

Taeyeon also kept on whispering and repeating that I should hate her and because of that I captured her lips with mine.

I put everything into this kiss. All the hurt, all the mistakes, all the stupidity that can be applied for both of us. Maybe that’s the last kiss I’m going to have… I need to give my all if that’s the case.

We had to separate for air and Taeyeon spoke up again “I left him but…”

“You did?”

I instantly asked hopefully.

“He can find another love, we only had an agreement… this wouldn’t have been real even if we got married… I let him search for the love he deserves… but…”


“I don’t deserve you…”

I laughed with relief, I couldn’t stop myself. Even with both of us crying like kindergarten kids, all of a sudden I see my future a lot brighter.

“I love you you… do you still love me? That’s all that I care about…”

“Of course I do, princess! But…”

Princess (not even Sica) and most importantly not Jessica. I’m hearing the nickname that annoyed me sometimes in the past but from Taengoo’s lips it’s like the biggest confirmation of her love.

I didn’t let her finish and kissed Taeyeon again with passion. She answered my kisses putting even more pressure into them.

Between those kisses as we missed each other lips so much I commented truthfully “we will figure all of this out… just tell me that you want to be with me… just tell me it’s not the end and we will figure absolutely everything out…with time… with patience… with everything… I love you, Taengoo… you know… I still have that proposal ring.”

Taeyeon looked at me with pure love and surprise. “You…do?”

To prove my point I take it out from my purse. All these years I kept in by my side. Not on my finger but somewhere close by…

“Should I put it back on or…?”



“No… you should give it back to me…”


Taeyeon put her hand in front of herself smiling shortly. I can see sparks in her eyes. “I want to give it to you again some time in the future so…”

I didn’t realize I have held my breath for few seconds thinking that Taeyeon wants to end everything with me for good.

“What no… it is mine forever… you made your choice… learn to live with it!”

I showed her my tongue playfully, but then noticed that even though she laughed, she still seemed worried.

“Mmm… what are going to do…with your parents and…”

“You know I won’t leave them behind… they gave birth to me…they do love me… even in such manner…but maybe we can punish them a little… spending Christmas and New Year with friends… visiting them rarely in comparison with the past… though…well most likely… just spending Christmas with our friends instead of my parents…”

I laughed with relief and stole one more kiss from Taeyeon. I don’t know since when I became such a kissing monster but I just can’t help myself or control it anymore.

“I love this idea very much…”

I hold her face with both of my hands inches away from her eyes, her lips, her nose… my Taengoo…

“I’m so happy right now…but you still haven’t answered about this ring situation…”

Knowing what I want to hear Taeyeon ended my thought “It is yours, just like I am yours… but…”

Another but?


“Maybe we should try elope next time.” She smiled cheekily at the comment and I had to laugh at that.

I kissed her one more time, happy that I come back, since there is no one else that could replace Taeyeon’s place in my heart and these years of distance showed that it is the same for her too.








Irreplaceable [1/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; nothing is easy in love, but the saddest thing is when you lose it, especially if you had never imagined your life without that other person. There are times when other people get in between and ruin it, unknowingly to the two who are in love. This story concentrates on a painful break up (that probably shouldn’t even count as one) of Taeyeon and Jessica, and a second chance 6 years later.




The airport is almost empty at 4 am in the morning. That’s how I prefer it because it leaves a lot of time to gather my thoughts. My thoughts that has been scattered since two days ago after Yoona’s call. You’re getting married. I guess for real this time… no more complications. No one getting in between.

I still remember waking up in a hospital bed with no one around. Just an empty room and all I could hear was my own beating heart. The last thing I remembered was rushing to our wedding ceremony. I was so happy and so in love. I always believed you felt the same. I put my trust in you. But I woke up alone. Next day visitors kept coming in and checking on my condition but none of them were you.

Yoona told me that you left the country two days after our marriage ceremony. Our wedding. A wedding that didn’t happen because I got in an accident.

I didn’t want to believe that you just left me and I tried searching for you. Asking friends, relatives, even your parents where you could be. No one told me that. Either they didn’t know or they didn’t want to tell me.

I guess that’s something I could have expected from your parents. They have never liked me. Surprisingly, the reason wasn’t the fact that I am a girl. They have always wished that you could marry your childhood friend Tiffany but I got in the way. That’s something they never forgave me for.

I knew that you were back in Seoul for some time now. Only after learning that you came back to get married…in the same place where we were suppose to share our vows and promise to stay together forever…I couldn’t just sit and wait.

I have no intention of interrupting your marriage. Despite everything I wish you happiness. I just want to know why…why haven’t you stayed by my side? Why you went away? Why you didn’t care?


I notice someone waving at me from across the airport. I told Yoona I don’t need escort from the airport but she still came.

“Jessica! Finally! I haven’t seen you in ages!” the girl literally jumped on me and it was a miracle that I managed to stand my ground.

“Let’s go see the city! No no… let’s go to our favorite places first…no wait… maybe we could eat somewhere first! Oh…I have so much on my mind! You probably forgot how Seoul looks! Let me show you everything!”

I laughed shortly “breathe…” and after that added more seriously. “I need to take care of something first…and then we can do whatever you like… I plan on staying for at least a couple of weeks”.

“Take care of something…you mean?”

“Yes…I need to know why… just a simple question… I think it is better to ask now. I don’t want to regret that I didn’t for the rest of my life. I need to know… maybe then I can move on.”

“You should have moved on long time ago! Wait how much time passed? About six years, right? You should have moved on at least five years ago… no wait you were still in a coma at that time… well at least four years ago!”

We headed out of the airport and I liked the support of Yoona, so I forced myself to keep on smiling. The girl kept on rambling about my moving on while I got lost in my thoughts again. How long it take Taengoo to move on? I shouldn’t call her that anymore…just Taeyeon…”

Taeyeon parents weren’t good actors and I could see that they were happy that we’re through when I tried searching for her and asked them where she could be. They were overjoyed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the one that’s Taeyeon is getting married to is Tiffany. That would be their preference, after all. Wait… maybe Yoona knows about this as well. After all, she somehow found out about the wedding.

“Eh…Yoong? Who’s Taeyeon is getting married to?”

My friend scowled at me “I keep telling you that you should move on and forget about her and you asked me this out of the blue? Were you even listening to what I am saying? Of course not… who am I fooling here… who knows…some guy… Barry, Baek? I don’t remember his name but he’s not someone that we know. I wouldn’t be surprised if the marriage is calculated as it would be beneficial for both of their companies… also Taeyeon’s parents approve of him if that’s what you’re curious about.”

“Of course they do”, I sigh defeated “anyone is better than me… but wait… why not Tiffany? I remember how her parents always said that they would be the happiest if Hwang were in my place instead… so Taeyeon likes guys now or what? I remember she once told me that I’m the only she sees.”

I realize that I said this bitterly but my mind is still clouded for all the information. I’m allowed to be angry. I have noticed that Yoong avoided my eyes from some time. But with my intense staring I won her over.

“Fany was the one who told me about the wedding because she’s the bridesmaid… just like in your wedding… well if you two had gotten married… you know I haven’t kept in touch with them and we started communicating only recently. The girls don’t even know that I told you about it…”

“I don’t even know what’s on their minds because they haven’t asked about you even once… I wish I could have come to the church that day so I would have at least seen what was happening there while you were in the hospital… Also Fany is actually taken. She got together with Sunny four years ago. I guess only Tae’s parents wished for them to be a thing”.

“I see…” it hurt knowing that Taeyeon never asked about me. Not even once. Did I meant so little to her?

“Do you know where I can find her?”

“Who? Tiffany?”

“Sunny… I haven’t talked with her for years…but I think she would tell me where I can find Taeyeon. We were good friends some time ago…also she should understand my reasons.”

Yoona seemed doubtful about it. “You know she changed a little…well she’s running after Tiffany like she’s a god now. Maybe I should ask… I will say that I can’t find Taeng but I need to give her something… I will think of an excuse. If you do that… she might just call Taeyeon herself and tell her that you’re back.”

Giving a second thought that was way better option so I had to agree. Ten minutes later we were sitting in the backseat of taxi and Yoona was already calling Sunny. Just like she guessed she got the answer quite immediately, though even I could hear Sunny’s discontent. I looked at the clock. 5 am. We should have probably discussed the time for the call.

Yoona told me that when Sunny talked with Taeyeon last time she mentioned that she plans on spending her Sunday at home so I had more than enough time to get a shower and get ready for the talk.


I stood in front of Taeyeon’s apartment around 9 am. I knew that she might be sleepy because she has always used her free days for extra sleep. Her logic told her that this way she gets all the hours of sleep that are necessary for humans thought obviously all the articles on the Internet told otherwise.

With trembling hand I knocked on the door and stood there waiting. I noticed that she doesn’t have peephole on her doors. That’s an advantage as she might just ignore me and leave me standing here. That’s not Taeyeon’s style… but she wasn’t there when I needed her the most. Why I am still making excuses for her?

I waited for about two minutes and knocked again. I counted the numbers in my mind to know how much time passed. That’s how pathetic I was.

The door on full swing caught me off guard. Now I realized the reason why it took Taeyeon some time since she stood there just in her towel, clutching it with one hand. Her hair was still wet and some drops of water were falling on the her shoulders and floor.

“What do you want?” Taeyeon asked before seeing who’s behind the door. The second her eyes landed on me she unconsciously gasped and before I could open my mouth shut the door in front of me.

I think I heard some voices inside the apartment but I couldn’t be sure. During these few seconds I only managed to see her face. The same face that I remembered and still dreamed about every night… It finally hit me how much I actually missed her. How irreplaceable she is for me.

I was about to knock again not ready to give up but before I could do that Taeyeon opened the doors herself. This time I managed to form a faint smile and said short “hello” while waiting for some reaction from the shorter girl.

It took her few more seconds to speak up “what do you want?” she repeated the question a bit annoyed but I could see curiosity behind those expressive eyes too. Some time ago… I knew them so well… could they lie to me? They never did before.

“Can I… come in? Can we talk?” I asked politely not sure how to start this conversation. I felt that Taeyeon is the one who should give me an explanation but for some reason standing right in front of her I feel petrified and can’t start demanding things. That’s not how I planned to have this conversation in my mind.

Believe me I imagined this scene way too many times. How I would speak my mind and made her listen. How I demand Taeyeon to explain her reasons… how she will apologize and we get back together… of course… that was only a dream.

“If you’re busy with someone else I can meet you any other day,” I added bitterly remembering the voices from inside the apartment.

I expected her to agree to this term but instead Taeyeon stood aside and let me in “that’s just my TV,” she commented simply while closing the door and rushing to the other room to turn it off. When she got back all I could hear was silence.

She looked at me expectantly. So yeah… I’m the one who needs to speak. Fine. I can speak. I have a lot to say.
I opened my mouth but nothing came up. I just stood there staring at her. Her figure that looked just I remember, her brown expressive eyes that always betrayed her little lies, her lips who shared the most beautiful smiles with me, the same lips that I couldn’t stop kissing and never got tired of.

I don’t think I was in my right mind when I stepped closer to her, cupping Taeyeon’s cheeks and capturing her lips. I have expected her to push me away as she froze under my touch but instead I felt her answering the kiss. She even pulling me closer. Few seconds later she bit my lip and not in a playful way.

This reminded me of situation and made me retreat from the kiss. I still felt her lips on mine. It felt like all my senses were coming back to me right this moment. Her smell invaded my nose. Her furious fuming, red and angry face caught my complete attention.

“What are you doing, Jessica? Do you think you can just get back from…who knows where and do this?”
Taeyeon… she rarely called me just by my name. But wait… what is she talking about.

“What do you mean?” I questioned confused why I am the one who’s being blamed for something.

“I’m talking about the fact that you have no right to do this to me again! You ran away from our wedding and what… now you found out that I’m getting married and decided to play more? I’m having none of it!” with unreasonable amount of strength Taeyeon pushed me through the door.

Before Taeyeon smashed the door into my face I noticed her eyes full of tears “I don’t need another break up letter from you!” with that I had to back out or the strength of the door would have broken my nose.

I stood few more seconds trying to gather my thoughts and understand what Taengoo was talking about. My Taengoo who kissed with the same passion like before… my Taengoo who cried when she saw me… I want to scream in frustration so someone…anyone would tell me what her words means! I have never written any letter to her…especially not a break up letter. What the hell? Why instead of getting answers after coming here I got even more questions?

From the last stare Taengoo gave me I doubt she going to tell me anything. But I need to ask around…someone will know what all of this means.


I met up with Yoong next morning because my curios friend wanted to know everything that happened the day before. I barely slept so my condition couldn’t be described as a good one. Still… I decided that there’s no point staying in bed and hiding from the reality of life.

“I’m so confused… Taengoo…I mean… Taeyeon blamed me for everything from the second she laid her eyes on me…well no… at first she slammed the doors and I thought that she might just leave me hanging.”

“And then?” Yoong seemed unusually calm about the situation. As if she was trying on purpose to control her usual vitality.

“Well… we talked a bit… well no… I stole a kiss and then we walked a bit…”

“You did WHAT?” yes, there is my friend. “Are you insane? You haven’t seen each other for six years and the first thing you do is steal a kiss? Are you retarded?”

“Eh…it kind of happened I didn’t plan it, you know!” I pouted because of the scowl and added “also… don’t you want to hear the full situation… not just beginning of it?”

Yoona eyed me as if I was really insane but nod encouraging me to continue. I told my best friend everything that happened in Taeyeon’s apartment and waited for some comments, even if she scowls at me again. It is better than that silence treatment that she’s now giving me.

Apparently I interpreted Yoona’s silence as a bad thing but the girl surprised me with a sudden comment.

“Maybe… I’m against it… but maybe you should try talk with Fany and Sunny…Tiffany might try to kill you… but there’s some hope that Sunny would tell you something if you convince her that you truly don’t know what is happening.”

“Maybe… Maybe I should try…”


I waited for a day knowing that Yoong arranged the meeting and drove to Sunny’home. I don’t know about her and Tiffany relationship status, but they are living together so it must be serious. I knock on their front door nervously and let out a breath I have been holding when Sunny was the one opening the doors.

“Oh…hi,” she greeted me awkwardly while letting me in. I think I heard her whisper “I’m sorry if Fany…” but she didn’t get a change to finish the sentence as Tiffany came from their kitchen.

“You have already ruin a perfect morning… so just tell us what you want and leave. I hope you can fled the city like before. The sooner – the better.”

I bit my lip unsure how to start the conversation (it was unusual for me to react this way. Any other day I would have had a good comeback for Tiffany’s rude comment, but confusion somehow clouded my mind.) Luckily Sunny nod her head encouraging me.

“I’m…I have met with Taeyeon few days ago…”

Tiffany raised her hand while pointing in my direction accusingly “See Sunny! I told you… who else could leave Taeyeon such a mess! Of course it had to be you,” she added through gritted teeth and I had to step back a bit.

I have always had somewhat decent relationship with Tiffany. We barely spend time together, I could probably count those times on my fingers and also all of them were with either Taengoo or Sunny. Surprisingly these two weren’t even together back then. To put it simple, we were neither friends nor enemies, it worked out for us that way. This hostility though came out of nowhere.

I tried to forget Tiffany’s accusation for a moment and concentrated on my reason coming here. ” I know you lost contact with Yoong and there is a lot that she can’t tell me. The thing is… I need to find out what had happened.”

“You left my best friend at the altar waiting for you. That’s what happened.”

“Well yes…obviously I couldn’t come because of my…”

I didn’t get to finish when unexpectedly Tiffany slapped me. “Really? You talk so freely about it? Just leave. Taeyeon is happy and she doesn’t need you anymore. If I have to see her as hurt as she has been back then…I will haunt you down.”

Tiffany stopped her threatening stance when she heard microwave in the kitchen. “When I get back…I don’t want to see this one in my home.”

She immediately turn around and walked out leaving me speechless. I turn to look at Sunny who scratched her head and smiled apologetically “I told Yoona that there is only one way this conversation could go… but I also made a promise… she said that it is literally the last thing she’s going to ask from me… so here.”

Sunny extended her hand with a key in it.

“Is that…what I think it is?”

“Yoona probably has some sort of plan… I think it is best if you discuss it with her.”

Sunny looked at the direction of kitchen with a wonder “I think you should go…Tiffany might come back with a knife.”

I looked at the girl wide eyed. I knew that Tiffany had a temper when it came to certain things so it is better not to risk it. I took the key rushing to their front door but still… I had to ask… to get a confirmation so I can either move on or maybe…fight for my one true love.

“Is…she really happy?”

I should have asked Sunny this earlier because she already rushed me outside when Tiffany came back to the room. Before closing the doors she looked at me wondering for a second, she didn’t say anything but shook her head.

I got an answer that made my heart flutter with hope… Taengoo…I’m going to figure out what all of this means. This can’t be the end of our story.
I had been back home for almost five days now. I met few of my classmates that we lost touch through the years, and once evening Yoona forced me to have dinner with her and SeoHyun (as if I haven’t know the girl). Of course… I haven’t seen Hyun for a long time, but I have always remembered how she ran away from my ‘crazy in love’ best friend.

I think Seohyun even moved to a different country running away from her stalker…but guess what, Yoong didn’t waste her time and moved right after her.

Surprisingly all this creepiness payed off, Seohyun agreed to go out with her and realized that she might as well fall for older (but less mature) girl.

They have been together ever since, I knew this because Yoong called me telling all the details of their relationship. It creeps me out how much I knew but tried not to show it or Seohyun might as well try to run away from my friend again.

Honestly, there meeting were good distractions but no matter what I did… Taeyeon stayed on my mind…and in my heart.


Yoong told me that we need to be cautious and wait until Taeyeon leaves for work. She has also shared that crazy idea of breaking into her apartment and searching for that letter… letter that ruined our past and that I wasn’t even aware that existed.

We could go to jail for breaking in… but what else is there to do… Taeyeon hasn’t tried to speak with me again, Tiffany would probably run me down with a car if I try to get in contact with Sunny again… and I’m definitely not going to meet Taeyeon’s parents again. They don’t care about my misery.

We agreed that Yoona will be on the look out, she mentioned that there might be a chance that Taeyeon burn or thrown my letter away or maybe it doesn’t even exist and she just told me about it just to mess with my head, but I knew my Taengoo too well…

She wouldn’t have throw it away… she would have kept it and read it repeatedly trying to convince herself that what is written is true. I have just hoped that I can find her hiding place.


The big day come and I was looking around the apartment. Yoona agreed to text me if she sees something suspicious and because we went quite early… I had hope to end this mission successfully.

Look at me acting like a child. But ask yourself… what would you do if your world turn upside down just like that.

After an hour of aimless search and Yoong texting me randomly out of boredom, I was close to giving up until I noticed Taeyeon perv section. I will let your imagination ruin wild what kind of things there were… would she leave it inside something like this? I had to check.

YES! I was close to tearing up for finding that letter. As I guessed it has been used many. It instantly caught my attention ‘Dear Taengoo’… was written down on the envelope.

I was taken back a bit realizing that it definitely resembles my handwriting. It is not an exact 100% match… but even I would have believed that these are my thoughts.

Too much of a coincidence, if I might add.

My hands were shaking but I couldn’t wait any longer. I looked inside to read everything that has been written. Unconsciously tears started falling down my cheeks.


Dear Taengoo,

I have been thinking about this for so long… I couldn’t say when my doubts started… were they before you proposed to me or after…

But they always stayed in my head… torturing me…

It is all my fault, for waiting so long… for not expressing them out loud… for leading you on…

I’m choosing the worst possible moment to say this… but if not now…when?

I would only make it harder if I come today… I don’t want a scene where I burst into tears while standing next to you at the altar and ran out like in some drama…

I also realize it is unfair to you no matter what I do. Especially when you stayed by my side…fought for this love.

Everyone around us kept telling you that at some point I will give up, but you were so determined to make me yours… with your pervert comments and cuddles.

You kept telling me how beautiful and special I am…and I guess… I just didn’t want to lose any of that. I got spoiled by your attention and hide my true feelings somewhere deep inside.

I realize now… maybe I DO love you… but it is not the same thing you feel for me.

I’m so sorry Taengoo! But you have time now… time to find the one for yourself! Your true love! Time to move on from an idiot like me!

I wish to see you happy… but it is better for me to disappear… If I stayed near it would only hurt you more.

This is a goodbye… please don’t hate me.


What the hell have I just read? It sounded like me… that’s the worst part. Not the point about our love…my love for Taengoo… but everything else… gosh… everyone saw that I was freaking out and even expressed uncertainty about our wedding back then.

What bride wouldn’t panic before her wedding, though? I need to think… there has to be a clue or something…

I was about to read it again and torture myself even more if I haven’t heard familiar-confused voice.

“What…what are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked while unconscionably dropping down her keys.

Love is a Battlefield [Part 4]

Sunny rushed into a restaurant with furry in her eyes, it was one of those rare moments when this midget looked scary, ready to pounce on someone if they get in her way. Of course, when you notice a scene like that, there is always someone who’s responsible for such huge reaction.



Despite her anger Sunny regretted shouting for a moment, remembering how loud this American girl can get, especially when she doesn’t even notice the atmosphere surrounding them. Changing her approach Sunny suddenly sat in front of her friend and squinted her eyes judgmentally.

“You slept with Taeyeon.” Obviously that wasn’t a question.

Sunny could see Tiffany panicking for a moment but trying not to show it, at the same time American girl knew she couldn’t keep silent for long, Sunny’s determination only proved that it is kind of pointless trying to pretend that it didn’t happen.

“Aaa…oh… How do you know?”


“Taeyeon told you?”

Sunny wasn’t sure but it seemed that this fact both confused and surprised Tiffany.

“Don’t try over-thinking it, I found your note and I know you two are well… kind of inseparable so you not saying goodbye in person means something. I kind of jokingly asked Tae about it and well… her expression said it all.”

Tiffany looked down contemplating what to say. “So?’

“SO? Are you telling me it is normal thing to sleep with your best friend? REALLY? Also, you’re straight and Tae is a girl… like DOUBLE the surprise… unless I’m right.”

“Oh come on Sunny, not that conversation again… Also, when did we talk…like six months ago?”

Sunny could see how much Tiffany wants to avoid the topic but after finding out the truth this morning, smaller of the two had no intention of pretending that this is not concerning her. “Yes, six months ago… so look at it from my perspective… we had a conversation six months ago and six months later you’re pulling this… I’m not quite sure what this is. What it means!”

“It means nothing! Taeyeon needs to forget about Jessica and get some sort of distraction… I just wanted to help her. For your information, I did suggest one night stand with a complete stranger but you know Taeyeon… she doesn’t believe in such things… and it kind of ended this way…”

Sunny wasn’t sure if she should laugh after hearing Tiffany’s excuse or just hit her friend for all the stupidity. “Oh really? So if… for example I… dated someone… broke up and feel heart broken and feel the need of some sort of change… in your own words – a distraction, should I come to you and ask for a one night stand? We’re really good friends too.”

“Ew. NO.”

The first instant reaction said it all and Tiffany shut her mouth, whispering under her breath, still loud enough for Sunny to hear “crap.”

“My point exactly. I haven’t forgotten our conversation and I really doubt you did. I’m guessing you acted on instinct or something… but you need to be careful, Tiffany. You know that only one of you can get your heart broken after this. Jessica is still on Tae’s mind… that stubborn midget won’t forget about her that easily…Also, you should probably talk with her about… well what does it mean.”

“It means nothing… she said that. I repeated… it was just one night stand…” Tiffany sigh thinking about it more now.

“Did you get your answer?” Sunny asked all of a sudden after couple minutes of silence.

For the second time in one day Sunny didn’t need to hear an answer to know what it is. It confirmed her worries that Tiffany indeed got herself in messed up situation.


~Six Months Ago~

Woken up in the middle of the night with a thought that she will have to wake up at 5AM in the morning didn’t settle well with Sunny. Still, she couldn’t just ignore the person that knocked at her doors, or could she? The idea of turning around and going back to her bed was tempting. Very tempting.

Somehow Sunny fight against it remembering her short messaging with Tiffany few hours ago. She connected the dots that it must be her and wasn’t that surprised when indeed Tiffany wamble into her apartment.

“Good evening, Miss Hwang. So nice of you to visit me at such hour.” Sunny snorted a bit sarcastically but didn’t turn her back on a friend. “And of course you’re drunk!” She added with disappointment.

Tiffany had a good alcohol tolerance, everyone knew about it, so it meant the girl might have drank a lot. Sunny kind of wished that she left her bar in one piece. Yes, even after two years and a half Sunny still own a bar where Jessica and Taeyeon first met. That place was Sunny’s joy and pride.

She didn’t even need to wake up early in the morning if not the annual meeting that started at 7AM.


Tiffany giggled while pinching Sunny’s cheeks “aww… you so cute when sleepy… and I’m not that drunk… maybe a little bit? Yeah… I had a bit more to drink than usual… but no no… I’m not drunk.”

Sunny put her hands around Tiffany and helped the girl sit down on her sofa. “Yeah. Obviously not drunk… do you want to talk about it? Why you’re at this state and why you decided that disturbing my sleep is a good idea?”

Once again younger girl giggled, though it didn’t sound that sincere anymore. Sunny could sense some sadness in it too. “Talk… you think we should? Do you want to talk?” she asked like a kid while leaning closer to Sunny. Luckily, Sunny had no problem with touching and didn’t get affected by Tiffany’s advances.

“Yes, let’s talk. Tell me why did you drink this much.”

“TaeTae…” Sunny heard a deep sigh and looked at her friend shortly.

“TaeTae what?”

“I don’t know… You know that Jessica left to America… she decided to visit her parents since Taeyeon couldn’t get away from job and just left her by herself… that’s fucked up. Would you do that to your lover? That’s not fair.”

Sunny was unsure which side she should support at this point and it was a bit safer to agree with Tiffany. “I guess that’s not very nice… maybe she had her reasons? It is not that they broke up or something like that…”

“No no… of course not… Taeyeon will never leave her… I mean… Jessica doesn’t even treat her right but of course she wouldn’t leave her.. she made a promise to love and stay by her side… ha…and TaeTae is sad right now…” she added last sentence quite randomly, but of course, since when drunk people actually made sense.

Tiffany sigh even louder and deeper, she would have probably kept on talking even if Sunny fall asleep sitting next to her, since she didn’t check to see if the girl is listening to her. Of course Sunny did, sleep long forgotten.

“You know that Shaw Mendes song… Treat You Better… it is an american song of course… but I think you have heard it at least on the radio… like… I sometimes listen to that song and it makes so much sense… like really…then I think about Taeyeon and Jessica and me… and it kind of makes more sense… I don’t know…”

Sunny was doubtful when she asked, unsure if Tiffany might even hear or register what she says, but still tried it out. “By treat you better… you mean that you could treat Taeyeon better?”

“Don’t I treat her better? I already do… but yes? maybe? I don’t know… I’m so confused and… I think I’m jealous… but sad… and Jessica just leaves home and Taeyeon is all…sad…moody… and I’m angry… she doesn’t deserve this, does she? TaeTae deserves to be happy and… I don’t know…does it makes sense? I don’t know… I’m so confused what if… for a while I kept thinking… how do I feel… or what I think… or is it just because there was no one before Jessica and I’m not used to it… not used to TaeTae dating and all that… I don’t know…”

“She has been dating Jessica for two years and a half so it is serious…”

The look Tiffany gave Sunny as an answer screamed ‘YOU DON’T NEED TO REMIND ME.’

“Sorry… mmm… so that’s why you drank?”

“Maybe… I don’t know… maybe? I don’t know Sunny… I don’t know… I know nothing… I wish I knew… I wish I get my answer… but I don’t know…”

Since younger girl looked honestly lost, Sunny didn’t question her confusion more and instead engulfed her in a comforting hug. “It will be alright… you will figure it out… everything will be alright.”

Sunny waited until Tiffany fall asleep and decided to check on a song, including the translation too, since she wasn’t that good at English as her friend. The lyrics didn’t surprise her much and instead confirmed the suspicion. Obviously you don’t think about these kind of things for no reason:

“I won’t lie to you. I know he’s just not right for you. And you can tell me if I’m off. But I see it on your face. When you say that he’s the one that you want. And you’re spending all your time. In this wrong situation. And anytime you want it to stop. I know I can treat you better than he can.”

Sunny wished that they can continue the conversation in the morning, since it did worry her but of course Tiffany pretended that it is nothing important and that she doesn’t even remember most of it. Defense. It was definitely one of the stages. Tiffany didn’t even like girls so it probably made her more confused than ever.


~Present Time~

Reading into Tiffany’s body language and realizing how uncomfortable her friends feels at the moment Sunny bit her lip preventing herself for asking more questions. Instead she smiled sympathetically “well… whatever this is… if something more happens between you two or not… you still should go and talk with Taeyeon… maybe not now… not today… but some other day… you’re best friends first… so resolve and hear what Tae thinks about all of this.”

Like an obedient child Tiffany just nod her head shortly. “Yeah… sure.”

“And well… honestly I don’t want to keep on provoking you…or torturing you but… maybe you should think about this whole situation a bit more seriously. When was the last time you had a boyfriend? A year ago?”

“8 months ago.”

“Well still… I think that does mean something. Think about it… think a lot… figure it out… then go and have a chat. I mean Taeyeon is hiding in her apartment at the moment, probably crying rivers and reminiscing the past but she will get out of that cocoon state too.. it is better that you both come together and talk then. Who knows… maybe she will be the one that calls you first? Just wait a bit, Fany.”

The conversation died down at that and Sunny had no other choice but to leave Tiffany alone in the restaurant rushing back to her own work. She remembered making Taeyeon promise that she will call Tiffany after gathering her thoughts a bit and at the same time Sunny was glad that she had this conversation with Fany too.

Of course, she still believed that both of them were idiots, but it is not like she needs to voice it out. They know that themselves.

Sunny didn’t forget about Jessica’s situation either, going back in time to that same day when she heard about Jung’s departure and went to have a little chat with girl in a cafe near the airport.


~Few Days Ago~

Jessica and Sunny sat in a cafe and both knew that it was a goodbye, at least for now. The conversation continued quite some time until Sunny asked something that caught her interest the most.

“I know you probably won’t answer since you didn’t gave a clear reason for Tae either but… why did you break up with her?”

Jessica just smiled. Sadly. Apologetically.

“You’re right. I won’t answer this. It is complicated… but for the best.”

“Jess.. I don’t know why… but I doubt that you just stopped loving her… your eyes tell me otherwise and if you still love her… isn’t that enough? Love is all that matters to Taeyeon, all the other things can be solved and she’s ready to do that… you leaving her really confused.”

Jessica sigh but didn’t relent. “I can’t Sunny. When I’m saying that it is for the best… I mean it…  it is not the same… our relationship had lots of cracks… it was time to pull the plug.”

Sunny had to laugh at it. How casually it sounded. “Did you at least tell her that you’re leaving to Paris? and for how long?”

“She will know that I left. I’m not sure about the length of this trip… I won’t be staying there for more than 6 months. But Taeyeon doesn’t need to know it. Maybe it is better if she thinks that I’m not planning to go back at all. Do your friend this favor… it might help her move on sooner.”

“Taeyeon is not someone who just… moves on.”

“I’m aware…,” Jessica looked down avoiding Sunny’s blaming glare.

“Are you also aware that she didn’t know about those cracks you’re mentioning now and that she kept on trying believing in a happy ending… are you aware that she got a ring to prove it?”

Sunny expected some kind of reaction of this. Surprise. Shock. Anything. But Jessica just looked at her blankly and smiled sadly. “Yes. I’m aware. Take care of Taengoo…”

Jessica stood up ready to leave, so though still angry Sunny still hugged her saying goodbye. “You’re giving up on her and your love. I don’t know why… but I hope you won’t regret it, Jessica.”

She got to witness that same expression that Jessica wore during this whole meeting, though at this point Sunny was pretty certain that corners of Jessica’s eyes got moist with tears that won’t be shed, or at least something that Sunny won’t get to witness.

“I hope so too.”

Love Is a Battlefield [Part 3]

~Present Time~

Taeyeon went back home feeling like an emotional wreck. First of all, their break up happened quite recently and maybe she should have hated Jessica for leaving her without even giving normal explanation except that she can’t love Taeyeon in the same way anymore, or that her love is not enough…

That was something Taeyeon couldn’t understand. She had never complained about being the one giving more and receiving less. That’s just how Jessica was, it wasn’t intentional too. Truth is, there is always one who loves more in a relationship, Taeyeon never cared that she’s that person as long as she could have Jessica close to her.

Years back they were truly happy, planning their future together and not even once Taeyeon imagined her future without this girl by her side. Of course, it all changed in a blink of an eye… but why… unfortunately Taeyeon couldn’t even get an answer to that short question.

She turn off her phone after getting back home and make sure to hide her extra key (knowing how her friends can get sometimes while looking out for her), just for one day (or maybe a couple of days, considering her tendencies) Taeyeon wanted to avoid them all together and reminisce in the past. She was happy back then. If only time could stop at certain moment and things wouldn’t change… if only she could have that happiness back.



~Three Years Ago~


Taeyeon needed a lot of convincing but finally she relented and agreed to help Sunny out with the shortage of staff. She was never the type clubbing type, even working in a bar for one evening sounded somewhat horrifying for the girl… the pay was quite good though. Also, Sunny mentioned about the tips which Taeyeon could keep too. Sunny was convinced that Taeyeon might actually succeed in this job as much as she herself hated the idea of it.

Taeyeon wouldn’t want to agree with it, but Sunny was actually right. Well they both were. First of all, she got lots of tips and earn more in one night than she does in a week, secondly, as predicted she hated such a huge crowd of people.

Most of the evening was spend keeping  distance from them but at some point she had to walk a bit and that’s when the disaster happened, or at least that’s what it looked like at first. She bumped into some stranger and spilled drinks on the girl. All of a sudden Taeyeon felt cold. She never believed that someone standing right in front of you might make you feel like that, but that’s the vibe this girl gave when in curse of events Taeyeon ruined her dress.


Knowing her place and despite the fact how angry Taeyeon got, she still tried to fix it, taking a napkin from her pocket and trying to help “I’m sorry for…”


The girl stopped her shouting after finally looking up and seeing Taeyeon. “ARE YOU EVEN LEGAL TO WORK HERE?”

Not again with age. Taeyeon got to roll her eyes at that and still answered calmly “of course I am, or I couldn’t get inside this club.  How about you give me your number and later on I can pay you back for this dress?”

Unexpectedly the girl laughed “As if.”

“Excuse me?”

“As if I’m giving you my number. I can see the way you look at me and if that’s your way of hitting on me then…”

It was Taeyeon’s turn to laugh “Hit on you? I’m sorry miss but after your screaming and calling me a kid, also looking at me like I’m some pervert I don’t have such thoughts on my mind. I’m very sorry for bumping into you and I’ll repay for it if that’s necessary…for the dry cleaning or if you want to buy a new dress… but apart from that, I have no other plans. If you don’t want to give me your number…I think you can ask Sunny, the owner of this club, to help you out with that. If you know Sunny we can even exchange through her.”

“You know Sunny?”

“Yes. She’s a friend and I’m helping her out. Just… I can’t be standing around since I’m still working… if you need me to repay you back… you can ask Sunny… I have to go.”

Taeyeon sigh defeated and walked away. She did find the girl beautiful and thoughts of hitting on her did cross her mind but after the rude rejection she instantly forgot her plans. She rushed away not lying about her load of work and didn’t turn around to look at the icy girl.

She also didn’t notice the girl looking after her with undeniable curiosity.




Taeyeon was quite nervous since she got into the restaurant first and now tapped her fingers on the table while looking around anxiously. Sunny’s incoming messages didn’t help to calm her nervousness either.

Sunny: It is the first time I’m forcing you doing something like this but come on Taeng you need to be out there… not in your cave all day long. Try it out for once. 

Sunny: Are you angry? You shouldn’t be angry I’m not the only one who is thinking like that.

Taeyeon: No, but you’re the one forcing me.

Sunny: pff… for once in your life try something new. Also, you will like that girl, I promise you. She’s definitely your type.

Taeyeon: You didn’t even show me her photo… how will I know it is her when she shows up?

Sunny: she knows how you look 😉 and you’re definitely her type 😉

Taeyeon sigh. It was impossible to win against Sunny, and luckily she promised to back away and leave Taeyeon in piece if the date will turn out to be disaster, which is probably what will happen since she’s meeting a complete stranger.

Or so she thought.

“Kim Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon looked up after hearing for some reason familiar voice and soon realized why it sounds familiar. She squinted her eyes for a few seconds trying to remember where she has seen this girl before… yes she’s definitely her type… and she’s gorgeous…

But then it clicked…

“YOU!” Taeyeon pointed her finger at the girl surprised.

“Call me Jessica and that’s rude,” she commented while sitting down in front of her with a smile “and apparently you’re the girl that Sunny kept encouraging me to meet for about two months already… before you know… that club incident.”

Taeyeon wasn’t sure what  to think or what to feel at the moment so she just mumbled under her breath still confused “I wasn’t trying to hit on you.”

“I know. But you can start now.”




“You don’t need to say anything…I know…I just…I’m stupid…liking…like you…you’re too…you’re Jessica Jung…and I’m…I’m me…can I leave already? I know you joked around with that hitting thing probably laughing about me later… I really can’t take this anymore!” Taeyeon asked a bit desperately and Jessica could already see tears rolling down her cheeks. Meanwhile Jessica couldn’t stop myself and touched her face gently brushing it away.

“Sica…” she shuttered and looked at Jessica sadly meanwhile the girl in question leaned closer whispering until her face was only few inches away from Taeyeon’s “We don’t have a problem here, Taengoo… because I like you too…”

Jessica didn’t leave time for information to sink in and leaned in closing the gap between them kissing Taeyeon gently. Jessica continued on kissing Taeyeon for few minutes keeping it simple, since it was their first kiss. After that she sat back looking at Taeyeon’s lips then at her eyes “so we obviously like each other…”

Jessica spoke up while asking quite randomly in the end “see you tomorrow?”

It took Taeyeon some time but she finally realized what just happened, she blushed which was adorable and smiled shyly “oh…ah…yeah…okay…”



~Present Time~

As much as Taeyeon liked playing hide and seek and remembering the happy times, Sunny interrupted her not giving up with the bell of her apartment (just like Tiffany before) and managing to get inside the apartment when Taeyeon finally gave up unable to fight anymore.

Taeyeon’s expression said it all after noticing Sunny behind her doors, but the girl in question just walked inside as if she owns the place.

“I talked with Hyun.”

“Of course you did…”


“It seems like everyone constantly talks about me behind my back… I’m not surprised at all. But please do come in, let’s continue talking about me… You know how I much I like that,” Taeyeon snared sarcastically while heading back to her room.

The apartment was quite messy since Taeyeon didn’t bother to tidy it after Jessica left. Sunny decided to leave the nagging about this for some other day and instead followed Taeyeon into her room.

“I talked with Fany too. Apparently you ignored her calls for two days.”

“I turn off my phone with hope to have some time for myself.” Taeyeon plopped on her bed without showing her face to Sunny.

“To do what?”

Sunny turn around noticing some photos of Taeyeon and Jessica scattered around the bed. “Are you being nostalgic and remembering the good times of your relationship Taeyeon? If you do… I’m not sure if that’s actually helping you out.”

Not getting any answer just some weird noises and mumbles directed to Taeyeon’s pillow, Sunny also jumped onto her bed and patted her butt. “Come on Taeng… you know I want what’s best for you… don’t shut me out.”

“Yeah… what’s best for me… how funny that sounds…”

“Excuse me?”

“If you wanted what’s best for me… you wouldn’t have arranged that stupid blind date and I wouldn’t have met Jessica again… and wouldn’t have fallen for her… and I wouldn’t have my heart broken now…”

Knowing Taeyeon way too well Sunny give her some time and let those words sink in. After about a minute she asked in a motherly tone “do you actually mean it?”

“No…” Taeyeon whispered defeated and turned to Sunny with tears running down her cheeks. The girl looked adorable, like a child, but the scene of that broke Sunny’s heart too. It was indeed the definition of a broken hearted girl.

Younger girl lay next to Taeyeon and rubbed her cheek “Hey… I’m here… I will stay with you for the rest of the evening and we will talk about stuff… you can still remember the past… but talk with me instead… don’t keep it bottled up inside. Also, I think it would help a little if you remember the bad times too… you can’t think only about positive stuff… it doesn’t help you Taengoo… so let’s talk… let’s remember together. Okay?”

Taeyeon bit her lower lip sadly “Okay.”

~One Year Ago~




Door was slammed when Taeyeon walked out of the apartment without looking back. Since they decided to move in together that’s how they evenings ended at least three times a week with them pointlessly fighting about stupid things and then one of them leaving the apartment. Both girls fuming until they cleared the air. At some times solving their issues at the end of the night, other times Taeyeon was left to sleep on the couch.

There were fights about that usually continued next morning: how Jessica is the princess in their relationship and how Taeyeon even needs to sacrifice her back, sleeping on uncomfortable coach, while Jessica didn’t have to worry and just enjoy the comfort of their bed.

Despite all those fights and storms out, they still managed to forgive each other and it usually ended in a make up sex. Taeyeon always believed that there is nothing better than a make up sex, especially knowing how more aggressive and passionate Jessica got.

~6 Months ago~



“I’m busy… how about tomorrow? I think we can have lunch together then…”

“But I’m already at the place Sica… You told me the same yesterday…”

Taeyeon could hear annoyance in her girlfriend’s voice. She knew that Jessica was really busy with work, especially recently, but she never broke promises. Before at least.

“Will you tell me the same tomorrow too?”

“Taeyeon, I can’t talk right now. I’m really busy. I’m sorry. Let’s talk about this when I get back home.”

Their conversation ended just like that, Jessica probably didn’t even hear Taeyeon’s comment, and older girl had to sigh at that.


Taeyeon looked up after Jessica stopped in front of her, pulled her in a hug and smiled seductively “so how about that trip?”

“Mmm…” Taeyeon raised her hands too, putting them on Jessica’s waist “You know I want to… I really do but…”

“Not work again.”

“Yes. Work again…”

Jessica instantly retreated back, quite angry and not hiding it. “Will we ever go anywhere? I thought we agreed to take a leave from work at the same time so we can go to America, visit my parents and sister.”

Taeyeon didn’t want to let go so she still kept her hands on Jessica’s waist. “I know… and that’s what I want too. But it just… I can’t right now… no one can’t replace me at the moment…”

Taeyeon hoped that Jessica could understand her, since both of their works requested a lot of time, but it seemed that the girl had a mind of her own and just huffed.

“Whatever. I’m still going. Alone.”


The couple half lay-half sat on the couch after their latest activity. Jessica’s head on Taeyeon’s shoulder, while older girl hugged her girlfriend possessively. They enjoyed the calmness and company of each other.

“I’m sorry… I have been really busy with work… and well… I was neglecting you in a way,” Jessica apologized sincerely while turning to look at Taeyeon and kissing her on the cheek.

Taeyeon just smiled at her, a bit tired but contented. “It is okay… I wasn’t always supportive and understanding… I think real life gets in a way sometimes… but as long as we keep on trying… love is all that matters, right?”

Jessica couldn’t help but laugh at her cheesy girlfriend.


~Present Time~

“I thought we’re trying… I did keep on trying… I love her… I thought that’s enough Sun… I thought our love will be enough… I know she loved me too… I mean we fought… there where distance between us at times… but that’s just what happens for every couple that dates longer… also ironically we were  even getting better recently… we really were… and I kept on trying… I just wanted to keep calling her mine… “

Taeyeon finally broke and cried while Sunny hugged her, trying to soothe and calm older girl down.

“It is okay… everything will be okay…”

The calming, that same road down the memory lane, the crying, the consoling continued on through the whole evening until Taeyeon finally fall asleep too emotionally exhausted to keep on going.

Deciding that her friend still needs her Sunny stayed in that same position until morning, even letting Taeyeon wake up first.


“Hey.” Slowly Taeyeon sit up in her bed, her voice was hoarse after all that crying. “Thanks for staying.”

“No problem… I don’t want to mention this… but I need to ask Taeyeon… since I found something on the floor… when I sneaked out to go to the bathroom in the middle of night…”

Taeyeon smiled sheepishly after Sunny’s explanation and even laughed in her dorky way “that was probably hilarious”.

“I’m pretty sure you’re imagining me embarrassingly running there or something but don’t you worry, I didn’t embarrass myself and I didn’t wake you up either, so you should be thankful… but seriously…”

Sunny jumped out from the bed hearing her bones cracking and winced. “I found Fany’s note…”, she took it out of her jeans pocket showing the paper to Taeyeon a bit surprised but nevertheless curious since it looked too suspicious for shorter girl.

“I know she doesn’t need to do such stuff since you two always talk it out, say goodbye and all that stuff… so may question is… since when is Fany leaving you notes? I know some people leave notes after one night stands or…”

Sunny mentioned it quite randomly, not even considering that it might have happened between the two, but Taeyeon’s guilty expression said it all.


Love is a Battlefield [Part 2]

“What did you just say?”

If there was ever a moment in here life when Taeyeon was speechless, this one definitely counted as the one where she was most confused.

Tiffany fidgeted slightly, playing with her own fingers, staring at the ground. All that bravely that the girl showed a second ago disappeared into thin air after noticing dumbfounded expression that Taeyeon gave back to her.

The suggestion of course could still be felt in the air, making the situation way more tense.

“Did you just suggest…what I think you suggested?”

Caring about her best friend’s feelings no matter what Taeyeon started thinking for a way of this awkward situation, but Tiffany didn’t help at all. Quite the opposite. It seemed like she got her previous bravely back. She stopped fidgeting with her fingers and looked up, determination could be felt from all her aura.

Determination, bravely and something else that Taeyeon couldn’t quite grasp just yet.

“Yes. I will repeat the question… just to… make sure.” Tiffany cough letting all her doubts disappear.  “So…Tae… you don’t want to forget and have a chance for once with a complete stranger… It makes sense… but I’m no stranger to you. Actually I’m one of the closest people in your life. So my question is simple… how about me? What if you had one night stand with me?”


One minute.




All that time both girls just stared at each other without speaking up. Tiffany decided to wait for some sort of reaction, as hard as it appeared to be with expressionless but probably thinking non-stop Taeyeon in front of her. Meanwhile, just like Tiffany guessed Taeyeon tried to process what she just heard from her best friend. If someone like SeoHyun would have suggested something similar to this, Taeyeon would have instantly started laughing not looking at it seriously. The way that Tiffany looked at her – it didn’t seem like the look of someone who decided to joke around.

“You don’t even… did you forgot that you’re straight…and that straight people don’t go around sleeping with their best friends? I mean… maybe some people do… they call it experiments in college or something like that but… you and me… we’re not some random stupid college girls, Fany. Tiffany.”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“I know. I also realize what I have suggested. I’m not taking my… suggestion back. I’m not.”

Taeyeon sigh. She couldn’t found words to describe how weird this whole situation appeared. She tried to remember if Tiffany drank a lot of alcohol but of course, out of all of her friends she was the only one who had such effect to this devil’s drink. Even the youngest of all of her friends, the serious, responsible one, handle her drinks way better than Taeyeon. Also, Tiffany was one of the couple that could drink the most and at the end of the night only get a little bit tipsy. Taeyeon couldn’t blame alcohol for any of this.

“Why are you so serious Taeyeon? I’m not declaring my undying love for you. I’m not expecting or asking anything out of this either. I’m a concern friend who sees that you actually need this and isn’t that the best distraction when you REALLY think about it? When was even the last time when you slept with Jessica? I don’t want to mention her name…I’m sorry about that… but I’m pretty sure that it has been a long time since you actually get some.”

“Doesn’t mean that I need to go around randomly sleeping with people!”

“How is this random? I have already told you, I’m far from random people!”

Taeyeon managed to roll her eyes and shook her head at the same time turning around, ready to go into her apartment since everything that she heard recently sounded like nuisance.

Tiffany wondered what made her react in this sort of way, giving out to the anger and forgetting consequences, but she did reach out for Taeyeon again, not only turning the girl around but kissing her on the lips too.

At first, Taeyeon didn’t plan on kissing Tiffany back at all. She even fought a little bit and she would have stayed in control if Tiffany hadn’t bitten on her lower lip.

Taeyeon’s weak spot that people didn’t actually know about.

The second that Taeyeon got truly shocked was when Tiffany even managed to sneak in tongue into her mouth for more passionate kiss. After this, even Taeyeon was a lost case. Getting lost in passionate moment seemed too easy. It  helped forgetting about the rest of the world.

Tiffany even held hands on Tae’ waist to keep shorter girl in tact and enjoying the dominant role that had to end sooner or later. Unfortunately, realization of her actions somehow got back to Tiffany and she slowly pulled back looking down instead of at the girl that still stood in front of her.

“Is what I’m suggesting really such a nuisance? I know that’s what you have been thinking. I know you too well.  I mean… you know you don’t need to keep everything battled up inside and do this alone…I’m here…”, she didn’t dare to look up and Taeyeon was still silent just panting heavily.

Tiffany coughed awkwardly noticing that even though her lips left Tae’s… her hands had a mind of their own and stayed on Taeyeon’s waist.

“I guess…the fact that you still didn’t give any sign means that I should probably apologize for all of this…”, she rambled again, a bit uncertain and the fact Taeyeon still hasn’t uttered a word made the situation more awkward.

After some time, having no other choice Tiffany mustered her courage and looked up. It didn’t look like Taeyeon planned on moving from her position. Instead she kept on staring at Tiffany’s lips. The same thing that shorter girl must have been doing during all the time Tiffany talked.

Feeling quite self aware Tiffany still questioned  “are you… very…angry with me?”

Tiffany didn’t know how to interpret Taeyeon’s actions (or let’s face it: she did absolutely nothing expect answering the kiss earlier) and silence. In any other situation Taeyeon’s silence was a normal thing that her friends were used to, but this couldn’t be called simple.

It took some time but Taeyeon finally shook her head shortly without answering but looked up to stare back at Tiffany.

Without giving it a second thought, but somehow feeling a bit encouraged Tiffany started leaning ahead for the second time and stopped herself just the last second “I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m doing” taking a deep breath.

A breath that she indeed needed because after her retreat Taeyeon was the one who leaned in capturing her lips while mumbling “this means nothing.”

It was time for Tiffany to be surprised but she reacted faster than Taeyeon before. Once again they found themselves in situation with a passionate kiss that lead them into Taeyeon’s apartment.

Older girl still kept repeating how all of it meant nothing, trying to convince them both, but finding Tiffany’s lips quite addictive. Tiffany didn’t say anything and didn’t back out from her initial preposition, enjoying the fact how Taeyeon’s and her’s lips fit together and made her giddy inside.


Alarm clock.



Taeyeon practically jumped out of her bed after realizing that it is her phone and it have been ringing for quite some time already which probably meant that someone was impatient.

Taeyeon rolled around in bed and sleepily picked up after noticing that it was SeoHyun. Older girl hoped that the youngest didn’t disturb her sleep for nothing.

“Hey, Taeyeon unnie. Ahem… I’m not sure if I should tell you but… I have just talked with Jessica unnie and…”

“I’m listening.” Taeyeon commented more attentively after hearing Jessica’s name and even sitting straight.

“Well…as I have mentioned… I’m not sure if I should mention it but Jessica unnie is leaving to Paris today… I don’t know if you knew but…”


“I mean since you broke up, you probably didn’t and…”


Taeyeon slightly panicked even jumping out of bed and looking around. Great. Naked. Wait…why am I naked? Oh… right…

“In about two hours… I met her quite accidentally while she was heading there… not sure how long it will… hey… hello?”

Taeyeon put her phone away not really caring much about it and looked around the bed noticing a pink note.

-Call me when you want to meet up for coffee. Don’t you dare disappearing for another week again. – Fany.

Taeyeon couldn’t help but roll her eyes after realizing that Tiffany didn’t go back on her words for ‘helping out’ and will probably now starts pretending that this never happened.

In any other situation Taeyeon would have though if it is the same for her and she can go back to pretending that nothing happened, but right now the girl had other things on her mind.

She looked around quickly picking things around and getting dressed. Airport. Now.


The scene indeed reminded one of those you could witness in romantic movies when Taeyeon shouted from far away and ran to stop Jessica with evident surprise on her face.

“You’re leaving? Why didn’t you tell me that you’re leaving?”

If Jessica was surprised after seeing the girl in front of herself she didn’t show it. “Taengoo, what are you doing here? We broke up… I didn’t really need to tell you everything now, don’t you think?”

“You broke up with me.” Taeyeon commented bitterly.

Jessica smiled sadly and apologetically. Taeyeon could actually see sincerity in her actions when she touched Taeyeon’s cheek and lean in giving older girl a short chase goodbye kiss.

“I did… it was time… for both of us… Since you heard that I’m leaving… you know that I’m going to Paris…and if you’re asking when I’m getting back…I don’t know… it might be years or more… I won’t be rushing back and you shouldn’t be wondering or wait… since I broke up with you.” Jessica ended the sentence on that same sad note.

“I still… don’t understand…”

“I know you don’t. I can’t love you the same and I can’t stay in this relationship… so this where we are saying our goodbyes. Please, Taengoo, just let me go without any more dramas especially here, okay?”

Jessica felt the need to request the last thing when Taeyeon grabbed her hand after that short kiss before. Luckily for younger girl Taeyeon slowly pulled her hand away and looked down. Defeated.


The sign in front of her did break Jessica’s heart but it was the time to leave so that is what she did.

Jessica did wave her hand before turning around and walking away but she didn’t glance back to see if Taeyeon stood at the same place for longer. She knew Taeyeon did. Waiting for the very last moment with hope that Jessica might still turn around… wondering if Jessica actually didn’t care about her anymore.

In that position Taeyeon didn’t get to see Jessica’s face too. She didn’t see the tear that Jessica quickly brushed away from her cheek, because the truth is simple…

Things are never as simple and easy as they seem to be.


Love is a Battlefield [Part 1]

Taeyeon sigh and rolled her eyes. That’s the only reaction she gave to her best friend Tiffany who insisted to hear what is happening and why she looks so down lately. Taeyeon was never a bubble person, running around or smiling like tomorrow doesn’t matter, but even during the hardest of times, she didn’t force her smile. At least not in front of her friends. Apparently, it changed recently. Tiffany couldn’t remember the last time she saw Taeyeon smiling and it hurt. Seeing someone who you care about so deeply looking and feeling down, truly hurt.

“Just please… talk to me. You know I’ll listen. I want to know what’s the matter with you… I understand if you don’t tell stuff like that to others… but me? I thought we have no secrets”.

Taeyeon sigh. Defeated.

“What do you want to know Fany?”

“Why are you so down? What’s the matter? I haven’t seen your sincere smile for awhile. Maybe it involves Jessica? I know your relationship… well it was a bit rocky lately… does it involve her? Jessica has been pushing me away too… I mean… let’s face it… I’m not her number one fan… we’re not friends or anything but… she usually answered my questions involving you… so…”

Tiffany had no idea what those questions did to Taeyeon and the fact that smaller of the two didn’t answer, only made Tiffany continue in asking. She felt determined to know everything, silent treatment wasn’t working anymore. Also, it is not like she could ask anyone else. No one knew what’s the matter with those two.


No one.

It took good 10 minutes for Tiffany to continue asking questions and Taeyeon staring ahead into nothing. It looked like her soul just left her body for that period of time and it didn’t rush on getting back. Only when Tiffany shut her mouth and stopped with the questions, Taeyeon stood up, not giving in.

Not yet.

“We will talk about this some other time, okay? Just not today… I’m really… really… not in the mood”.

Tiffany didn’t even get a chance to react when Taeyeon stood up and left the room.

Well it didn’t go well.



Taeyeon lay on her bed in a fetus position. The girl stopped crying few days ago… probably because there were no more tears left.

At first, she wondered how long can someone cry before they feel nothing… before they feel empty and stop responding to the world around them.

It has been almost a week… a week since Jessica left her. Three years of relationship… and now… Taeyeon was all alone. Alone in this gigantic apartment that once belong to both of them.

All Taeyeon saw around was darkness and not because it was a night time. The truth was, Taeyeon didn’t bother to open her eyes up, there was nothing to look forward to.

Taeyeon thought back on their relationship. They were happy, yes they fight… but all things considered — they were just an ordinary couple.

Maybe that’s why Taeyeon hadn’t expected Jessica to tell her that it is over. To tell her that she had thought about it for a long time, but waited only because she didn’t want to hurt Taeyeon.

What was left for Taeyeon to do was just lie down and think about her misery.



Taeyeon stood up and walked to the door, not being able to bear the sound. Someone kept knocking even though normally people would have given up after have an hour.

Taeyeon didn’t need to check who came and opened the door immediately.

“Fany…what a surprise” commenting a bit bitterly.

“You haven’t picked up your phone for a week…they send me to check if you’re still alive”.

Taeyeon went inside the apartment looking around shortly.


“Is there…something that you actually need?”

“YES! You know…first of all, it is not the end of the world… secondly, you’re not the only one hurting in this world”.

Taeyeon rolled her eyes not showing much of an interest, before she got a change to comment or ask Tiffany to leave, younger girl added.

“Now…get dressed… we’re going out and helping you to move on!”

“What…no…what would be the point?”

“What would be the point? How about not giving up on everything? Yes, I know… three years of a relationship is… well… indeed a long time… you’re hurting now, but locking yourself inside this apartment won’t help… neither for you…nor for all of us… we worry about your health TaeTae. So go and change. I’m not taking no for an answer”.

All Taeyeon could do was sigh. She could never win against Tiffany.


Taeyeon looked around and sigh (AGAIN) while playing with her drink. “I mean I get it…some people prefer spending their Friday nights at the club… but I didn’t think we belong to that category”.

Surprisingly Seohyun was excited and enjoyed her time in the dance floor meanwhile Tiffany (who did the same just a minute ago, decided to check on sulking Taeyeon).

“I think we deserve to relax a little bit…and clear our minds… for example you could try to have a chat with someone… meet new people, who knows you might just get a crush on someone”.

“Really, Fany? REALLY? After three years in a relationship and only a week later after the break up? I can move on just like that? And why are you so full of energy?”

Taeyeon raised her eyebrows looking at one of her best friends skeptically.

“Why not? What’s the point of staying in your room and crying? What would you gain by that? Nothing! Instead you could try something you never did before.”

Tiffany commented with determination.

“And that is…?” Taeyeon once again questioned keeping the conversation going but not showing too much of an interest.

“One night stand!” Tiffany stated excitedly.

Hearing that Taeyeon spilled her drink accidentally (probably trying to process the latest information) “…wait… what?”

“You have been with Jessica for three years… You haven’t been with anyone else. I mean… You have never considered being with someone else as you were pretty sure, that you two will stay together forever. But life doesn’t work that way… so yeah… tonight you should try doing something out of ordinary”.

“You’re joking, right?”

“Since when you’re against it?”

“Since… you once told me…that it is pointless…I mean come on… I would be sleeping with someone who I’m not going to see ever again! Isn’t that kind of irresponsible? Also… I would obviously be sleeping with someone who only wants me for my body! No one looks at one night stand seriously!”

Seohyun came to the girls at the same time putting both hands on Tiffany’s shoulders and looking at Taeyeon excitedly.

“Heeeey! What are you two talking about? Let’s go dancing! The night is young!”

“You’re barely standing…”

Taeyeon commented judgmentally.

“But you’re here so… please tell Tiffany that having a one night stand with complete stranger is TOTALLY not worth it and it is pointless!”

“Oh…you’re planning that?”

Taeyeon seemed annoyed and tired “I’m certainly not planning that. Instead, I would rather go home. You’re barely standing Seo, so I think it would be better to take you home too.”

After a second or so she turned and looked at Tiffany, slightly annoyed, which younger girl could sense after knowing Taeyeon for so many years.

“You’re going or not?”




After bringing Seohyun home and confirming that she got to her bed safely, without causing trouble, embarrassing herself or throwing up after consuming so much alcohol, the two headed back home, or at least that was the plan until Tiffany questioned.

“Maybe I should stay with you? Who knows, you might lock yourself for another week and ignore our calls. You do know we kept on calling you none stop every day, right?”

Taeyeon didn’t have strength in herself to argue about it, so just drove directly to her home, dealing with occasional Tiffany’s attempts to get her attention.






As you can guess none of these attempts worked, they only angered Taeyeon more. She stood her ground though, and didn’t speak up until they reached the apartment and walked hand in hand.

Only 5 minutes later, she finally sigh, unable to keep on being angry at her best friend any longer.

“I don’t get where you get your crazy ideas from, but seriously Tiffany… I would never do that with a stranger…”

Taeyeon was met with silence and honestly, it did surprise older girl. She even felt guilty for ignoring Tiffany all the way back, but after turning around and coming face to face with Tiffany, she squinted her eyes confused. Next words that came from Tiffany’s mouth was something that never expected to hear.

“So how about me. What if you had one night stand with me?”



The Only One I Care About [2/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; If a story starts with tears… should it end with a smile?




Part 2

[Kim Taeyeon Story]



I spend all these years wondering if I made the right decision when I didn’t show up in the park.



I kept on questioning what Jessica would have done, what she would think of it. If she actually knew…would she forgive me? or would she hate me for erasing such an important part from our life? After all, it doesn’t matter how I try to reason and justify it, I had destroyed everything we had.



Honestly, I know what would Jessica think. She would be truly angry at me, because I didn’t let her choose whether she wants to spend her life by my side, even if it is a short one, or never see me again. Jessi was always selfless when it come to me, she wouldn’t have cared even knowing the exact moment her life will end. I think she would have done everything the same way, without any regrets.



Some days I hated myself for my own selfishness… I wanted Jessica to live. To have a full and happy life but at the same time, I can’t lie… I also wanted to avoid this pain. The pain that kept creeping into my heart, soul. The time when all I could do is blame myself for younger girl recklessness… when I kept on asking why it couldn’t have been me. Why do I have to continue my life alone?



I made that girl Sunny promise me one thing… that when the day that Jessica died in the past will come… she’s going to tell me how Jessica spend it. I knew she’s going to survive it… that’s why I at least tried to keep a track on her…once a year… even if I get only one small fact… just knowing that she’s alive made me feel less miserable.



I knew that Jessica spend that day with her friends and family, eating dinner, laughing. She didn’t have to rush anywhere, because there was no me. I didn’t call her.



Actually, Jessica didn’t even learn to drive. I guess that was just one more thing that she wanted to learn for the benefit of me in the past… now she didn’t need to…



Is it selfish that I felt relieve because Jessica didn’t find a new person? Another love? It is… As hard as I wanted to describe my love for her as an unselfish one… Still came these moments where nothing made sense. Were I felt joyful, because just like me… she didn’t find someone else to love. She wasn’t unhappy, she was alive too… but love… that wasn’t a part of her life.



At least not for now.



I knew that it is not going to continue this way for long and I decided that it was a good time for me to leave the country. To stop keeping track on Jessica and wondering about what ifs…and most importantly…. it was time to move on.



She didn’t know I existed… so eventually she will find her happiness too. I’m sure of it… who wouldn’t fall for such an adorable creature like she is? Sooner or later she will find a person who will see only her. Who will love only her.



Before leaving for the airport I still went to visit my favorite bookstore. I kept coming here at least once a week… I don’t know why but I felt drawn to this place. Whenever I came there — I felt like the world and all my troubles were lifted up, that I can breathe again.



It gave me the familiarity that I kept on searching for all these years. While walking out with that book that they gave me as a present, it made me feel like I’m leaving something behind. I kept insisting that it is probably because I somehow associate Jessica with that bookstore. That it felt the same like walking away from the love of my life.



Ironically, only few hours later I had realized that it was exactly what had happened. While having free time before my flight, I decided not to waste it and instead read the book they gave me as a present.



Of course, I guess I will never finish this book, because all it took me was to look at the very first page. The page with a message from Jessica. Her short love confession that broke my heart into a million of pieces and left me with a million of questions.



I know I kept on crying with confusion written all over my face, until I felt the presence of someone else next to me. When I looked to my right, I recognized Sunny. She never changed, no matter from which side you looked at her or how many years had passed.



“I guess you have a lot of questions now”, she stated simply, while staring ahead of herself, not even looking at me. I think I have even noticed her smirking slightly, like that was exactly what she expected to happen. Before I could answer or ask anything, it is quite a difficult task when you’re crying your eyes out, she spoke up again.



“I could give you the longest explanation possible. An explanation that would last for hours or even days, especially if we start talking about all the tricks of this universe and how higher force likes playing with humans. But we don’t have that much time… I think you will be satisfied if I go straight to the point. Whatever questions you have, I can answer them in few sentences. But you will have to board your plane in a few minutes… are you sure you want to hear me out?”



Without thinking I just nod my head. Who cares about the plane or missing a flight. I didn’t care about any of that.



Without even looking at me, Sunny managed to get all my attention. I can’t remember when I listened to someone this attentively at class — and I found it interesting learning new things, so let’s just say I was a good listener. This precise moment though meant way more to me. It was as important as that day in the park.



“The thing is… sometimes we’re destined for that one person. I know that humans are quite sensitive with the topic of destiny and soul mates, I find it funny how they idealize these sort of ideas but at the same time, I can’t say that they are incorrect. When we strongly believe in something… it can become true to us… I can give a simple example while using YOU. You, Taeyeon, believe that Jessica is the love of your life. Not even once you had a thought of searching for someone else that might replace her, not even while hoping that at some point she will find her happiness. Many times, you had thought of searching for younger girl, I know of that. You see… it is easy reading human’s mind. Especially when it is clearly sending signals how much you miss someone or how you would just want to see the person of your affection at least one more time. You blamed yourself and thought that you’re selfish… why? Because you felt relief and happiness knowing that Jessica is single. On the other hand, if Jessica had cried every day how lonely she is… you would have wished for her to find someone. For someone to love the girl the same way that you did. You had rationalized that someone else might even love her more… but that’s not true. You couldn’t find another person on this earth that would love her as much as you do.”



I listened attentively to everything that Sunny said, she didn’t break eye contact and didn’t stop for a second. It sounded like a speech she written before and memorized waiting for a moment like this to recite it.



“That’s the irony of how human’s are so keen on sacrifices but in most cases, they hope for acknowledgment and gratefulness. You never did. I know that you’re blaming yourself once again, because for some unknown reason Jessica saw you… but is that really unknown? She was drawn to you… just like the first time…and I hate being his cheesy… but that’s because you’re her destiny. The only difference this time though… because of your decision earlier… there was force holding her back. You were the only one who could come and greet her. Jessica felt as if she needs to hide whenever she saw you. Younger girl believed that it is because she’s nervous… but that’s just another game of the universe. She still somehow managed to cheat it as you can see… she couldn’t come and greet you, but she found a way to write you a love letter. That is once again…because the strongest force on this earth…is love”.



Sunny got quiet for a moment and I finally managed to speak up.



“I think I’m understanding what are you telling me but…”



“You’re free to make your own decisions. That time had passed…I can’t tell you what’s going to happen in the future… a car might hit Jessica tomorrow… the plane you had missed…might had crashed… we can’t control these sort of things… I mean… you can’t. But you don’t need to waste another day feeling empty… you don’t need to run away. No one is stopping you and no one is keeping you apart. If you really want it…”





“Will she be alright?”, I couldn’t help but ask, feeling both nervous and excited, because of the opportunity.



Sunny shrugged her shoulders and I just lost it.






Unexpectedly, she laughed at my reaction “Finally. You’re showing your true worry”, she looked up and squinted her eyes slightly “I might get in trouble for this but… yes… I don’t see the repetition. You have avoided that period in time. The important question though… is Jessica going to forgive you…?”



I stood up, though wait… I probably have been standing from the moment I shouted at her. Some people looked at me like I’m insane. Probably it looked that way, I don’t even know if other people can see Sunny.



I felt panic rising up inside of me but at the same time… hope… maybe all of this wasn’t for nothing? I looked up at the book in my hand and squeezed it.



“She wouldn’t believe me, even if I tell her…”



Sunny smirked one more time “You don’t need to tell her anything. She already knows”, without giving me a chance to question her again, she disappeared, leaving me all alone.



At first I felt paralyzed, I couldn’t move, couldn’t think. But in a minute or so, I get all my senses back. I kept thinking only about one thing — I need to get to Jessica — NOW, and after that, I ran.



I just kept on running.







Choi Sooyoung showed up behind Sunny at the moment Taeyeon ran out to see Jessica.



“You know… you were not suppose to do that. It is against rules. Taeyeon made her choice in the past… also, I’m pretty sure that everything you did for those two is against everything we stand for. Changing the time, the incident, saving a life and know bringing them together?”



Sunny sigh a bit defeated “Yeah… I’m quite aware of it. I shouldn’t have interfered — that are the rules”



“So…why did you?”



Sooyoung questioned, knowing that Sunny might get in trouble if other authorities above them figure out what the girl did.



“I’m not quite sure…”, Sunny spoke up honestly while turning around and facing her friend slash co-worker “Like honestly… I don’t know… something just… like some sort of force made me do it. I think I can’t deny pure love when I see it… and their love is so strong… even death can’t take it away. I wouldn’t have interfered again, but…”



“But…without even knowing who Taeyeon is… secretly… with all the powers you used against them… Jessica still fall for Taeyeon all over again?”



It looked like Sooyoung read Sunny’s mind while commenting, though it is possible that it was exactly what the girl actually did since they had a lot of different powers. Sunny could control time and memories, who knows what Sooyoung could do.



“If that’s not fate and true love… then what is? I’m just a hopeless romantic in the end… I can’t help myself…”



“Once again… you might get punished for your… too good to be true heart… no one else would have done it. I still don’t get it…”



Sunny sigh shortly “I think we forget how to be humans when we’re doing these things… but I don’t want to forget”



Sunny smiled to herself and after a moment panicked a bit “okay… I feel that someone is actually inviting me for a serious conversation…gotta go you face the consequences. Could you do me a favor and check on those two? I have sacrificed a lot already… I hope that they will at least get to each other in the end. Like you know… no more stupid and unpredictable incidents getting in a way”.



Sooyoung nod her head. She wasn’t really interested, but a favor is a favor.



“Fine… but…” she was still curious about one thing and who knows what might happen to Sunny later, she might get transfered somewhere else or even… destroyed for disobeying the rules.



“Have you…done something else? I could feel this aura… you control the time so Jessica wouldn’t dare to go to Taeyeon, as badly as she wanted just to go and greet the girl… but I had a feeling that now…”



Sunny smiled mysteriously “just go and see yourself”, she even winkled playfully “and if I won’t get back… keep an eye on those two idiots”.



Sooyoung nod her head shortly. This does sounded like the very last wish. In their line of work and life… that wasn’t that surprising.





[Sooyoung’s POV = Jessica and Taeyeon Story]



After Sunny’s request I went down to check on Jessica and Taeyeon. I can be invisible if I want to, so I get closer wanting to see everything at hand. I still can’t understand why Sunny decided to help this couple.



It was part of the job the first time… we needed to change something. Put some order in people’s life. It didn’t even have anything to do with Jessica’s death and Taeyeon’s pain. It was strictly business. But I was aware of the fact that Sunny kept tabs (something that she has never done before).



She knew that the order could be destroyed if Jessica talks with Taeyeon before the time and she even influenced younger girl’s mind a bit. It came down to that day… the same day of the incident.



If Jessica talked with Taeyeon it might have ended similarly to the first time. When that day passed and Jessica survived… it appears like there is no danger anymore.



This universe is strange, isn’t it?



Oh wait… maybe there is danger?



I squinted my eyes at the scene in front of me. I’m not Sunny so it doesn’t really matter to me much. I’m not going to interfere no matter what, but it appears like unknown car is going very fast and Jessica hasn’t noticed it.



Oh… she’s walking down the street. That’s not good. Maybe this girl just has to die?



Wait… oh… so there is Taeyeon too, she’s running (as I know she kept on running after her conversation with Sunny and hasn’t stopped. If I understand correctly, she’s not even a runner. Love makes people do crazy stuff).



So wait…



Maybe Taeyeon will sacrifice herself and die for Jessica… she’s heading straight to the girl and well the car is still there.



What can I do?



I’ll just watch what is meant to happen.



Well I wasn’t expecting it. Taeyeon just saved Jessica. They fall on the path and that car speed up ahead. Crazy people. Okay… they do look cute together, maybe Sunny does have a weakness for a reason. Oh… they just stood up…



Wait… they’re staring at each other still not letting go of the other.



WHAT THE HELL JESSICA, that girl is insane or something? Taeyeon just saved her, but she’s screaming and just slapped her. Okay… I do need to get closer and figure out what the hell is wrong with them.



“How could you leave me? I was happy! We were happy! I even died happy! I didn’t care! I felt empty all this time! How the hell I even remember any of this! I am suppose to be dead, right? What the… none of this makes sense! I missed you! I loved you! I couldn’t even remember you, but I knew that there is someone that holds my heart! What the hell Kim Taeyeon?”



“I’m so sorry! I’ll explain everything…I promise… I love you too… I wouldn’t have done any of this if I didn’t… I missed you…I love you…”



Can I just skip this part, I heard ‘I love you’ for about ten times and now they’re making out in front of me.



Sunny you’re really the devil… I heard of this… that after touching the person who had some influence in your life and chanced everything you can get all your memories back.



So does it mean those two are will live happily ever after? Their making out is really intense…



…you’re in the middle of the street.



Control yourself.



Maybe I’ll have to go and check on Sunny. I doubt that either of the two really needs me around. I can guess where they will be heading after this intense moment.







Just like I guessed… well both of us did… Sunny did have to suffer the consequences, but unpredictable ones. Apparently, the love she saw with Jessica and Taeyeon, somehow brought her humanity back.



She’s a human now. I’m not even kidding.



They send her back to earth and erased her memory. Insane. She deserved the punishment, but that’s… I didn’t expect it. Even the thought of erasing Sunny from the existence sounded more possible than this.



As an ending note, I can say that I check on them sometimes. I made a promise, after all. Well, I made a promise to keep tabs on Jessica and Taeyeon, but I’m interested in my ex co-worker’s future too. She brought this on herself.



Maybe I am a bit jealous since she got a normal life.



She even has a girlfriend, whose name… well… weird one. Everyone around calls her ‘Fany’ or something. Either way… I skipped the part how they met, but it was somewhat a love at first time. I’m not surprised really… I got a confirmation that Sunny is a hopeless romantic.







Those four get together even. You know, like two couples going to places and talking about life. That ‘Fany’ is Taeyeon and Jessica’s friend, after all. It is a good thing that neither Sunny, nor Taeyeon remember about each other. And it is not like Jessica and Taeyeon could tell others every detail of their love story, people would think that they’re insane.






Who could have thought that a story which started with tears, ends with a smile?









The Only One I Care About [1/2]

Pairing: Taeyeon/Jessica.

G; If a story starts with tears… should it end with a smile?




[Kim Taeyeon Story]


I ran as fast as I can. I was breathless, even felt that I might lose consciousness at any second but I still kept on running. This can’t be happening. That’s not true. It can’t be… just can’t.


These and similar words were aimlessly reaching my mind and I couldn’t block them. I couldn’t block the bad thoughts either. Actually the more I ran and the closer I get to the hospital the more tantalizing they were. I couldn’t take it anymore. I even breathed out with relief when I finally reach the place. Relief that shouldn’t be there… relief that soon was washed away from me.


“I’m so sorry, TaeTae… they tried to save her. They really did… but they couldn’t do anything. She’s… she’s dead”


My best friend Fany kept repeating these words with tears in her eyes but I couldn’t believe it. I kept on insisting that it can’t be true, that its just a nightmare. That I will wake up next morning and everything will be alright. I fainted back there because of shock, shortage of breath and never stopping tears.




Only few weeks later after the funeral Fany and I sat in my room and talked about everything. We couldn’t meet anywhere else because I didn’t want to leave the place where Jessica and I shared our happiest moments.


I felt exhausted and couldn’t even cry anymore. Tiffany mentioned that I’m emotional mess right now but as mine and Jessica’s best friend she understood me the best. She’s the only one I talked about all of this.


“She was always so reckless…rushing to meet me no matter what… if I haven’t called she wouldn’t had driven so fast… she was so lazy with other people but with me… it was a different story”


“Yeah, TaeTae… but she has never been careful. She broke her leg couple of times before, do you remember? She always ran whenever you called even if she had enough of time. She loved you too much to wait another second… everyone around you two saw it. I think even Jessi realized this but she didn’t care”.


“That’s not fair, Fany-ah… if I wasn’t in the picture… maybe… it is just not fair”.


Fany frowned a little and scolded me.


“Jessica wouldn’t want for you to blame yourself. Also, she was the happiest when she was with you. I’m pretty sure she was on cloud nine when she was driving to see you… maybe she even di…” she stopped herself as we both promised not to mentioned word death as to this point I still couldn’t accept the truth.


“You should go out more… you can’t stay locked in this room…”.



Easier said than done. Still after few more weeks I managed to leave my home. Most of the time I visited Jessica’s grave. Other times I just sat in the park and stared blankly at the view in front of me. Until one day everything changed.





“What’s on your mind? It seems like you can’t get over something”, unknown girl commented as she sat next to me. Strangers never bothered to talk with me and I didn’t bother to answer but this time felt different. Something about her was different. I couldn’t quite grasp what that was.


“I lost someone I love… I don’t really care how it looks”.


“Oh really? And this park has significant meaning for both you and that person, right? I can see it in your aura”.


“What? Yes its was our special place but… why are you talking so strangely…and who are you?”


“You can call me, Sunny, but that doesn’t matter. So what would you say if I told you that I can take you to one exact moment in time where you can change something. It can be something that occurred three or five years ago, even ten. Well, actually ten is my limit.”


“I would say that its the craziest thing I have ever heard and I have to go”.


I stood up angry thinking that this stranger is mocking me but she caught my hand and smiled sympathetically “think about this… what if there’s such opportunity and you will just pass on it? You know… you can go for now… if you come to this park tomorrow at the same time like now and tell me the date… I will bring you there. Maybe for you I sound like a crazy person and I’m aware of this but you should at least consider my suggestion. Take your time. If I won’t see you here tomorrow…I will understand your answer”.


She let go of my hand and I just ran. Who would believe something like that?


That’s insane.


Still it kept bugging me for all day long, I couldn’t sleep at night either. What if? Without me realizing I left my home early in the morning and went to that park. I still had few hours for the exact time when I met the strange girl.


Maybe that’s just some trick and someone will actually abduct me or will try to kill me. Do I care? They can do whatever they like. But what if…?


After two hours of waiting Sunny sat next to me. I didn’t see where she came from as it looked like she appeared from thin air. Before I opened my mouth she commented.


“I can hear your answer…I can see where you want to go… good luck”, she smiled friendly, stood up and walked off.


This must be fake. I sat on that bench for few more hours but nothing happened. The feeling was so strange… while sitting I noticed something. The newspaper…I need to see the date on that newspaper.


I ran after the old lady and asked nicely to see the front page. 2012/06/28… four years ago. I need to get out off here.


I looked around and hid behind the tree when I saw familiar figure walking down the path to the same bench that I sat on before.


Jessica, my baby… you’re here. I just stared at her for ten minutes while hiding. I remember this day as it happened yesterday. We met in this park after chatting for some time on the Internet.


We came here with distrust because someone you met on the Internet can be a killer or just child who wants to play games. But after three months of communication through Tumblr we decided to risk it.


That was the day we fell in love with each other and Jessica never left my side after it. Until she died… I had to remember this. I forced myself to remember it because that was the reason why I was here. This moment in time.


My heart wanted to go… go there and meet Jessica all over again. But my mind told me otherwise… that’s why I turn around and walked out of her life.


Not that I was even in her life… at least not in this reality. Jessica will probably think that her pen pal stood her up. It is better this way…I can’t be selfish now.


She will never know about me but at least I got a chance with her. At least I know that she will live…she will meet someone else and be happy… even if all of that happens without me.





[Jung Jessica Story]


Do you ever have that feeling… like a six sense that something should have happened but it never did? I have spend two years of my life like that… with wonder… for some reason going back to that same scene in the park.


I had a pen pal once… it was a little bit different as I never before felt connection to someone I haven’t met in person. I had no idea how she looked and knew only few details of that girl’s life… but we confessed our fears and dreams to each other, and we agreed to meet one day.


I felt that my life might change if I see her… never before I felt so excited and nervous… but she never showed up. She stopped messaging me back and just disappeared…


Have you ever felt like you lost someone you never even had in a first place? Like your heart is going to explode for this one particular reason… Truthfully, at first I was really angry. I couldn’t believe that she just stood me up. I waited for two hours still hoping that maybe something happened and she’s running late.


Later on, I started wondering that maybe she saw me… saw me and decided that I’m not worth her time. That’s what a blind date is, right? If you decide that you don’t like another person you can just leave. You don’t need to see them ever again. No one cares if one side fall in love with the other, if the feeling is not mutual. But shouldn’t I be angry? If that’s really the case… all I can feel is disappointment.




Despite always feeling weird whenever I remembered this incident I decided I need to push this aside.


I noticed a girl… Taeyeon… four years later after that incident in a park, and somehow I decided to leave that period of my past behind.


I saw Taeyon in a small book shop where I had my part time job helping out my sister.


Taeyeon hadn’t noticed me as I was always running around, carrying books, doing whatever errands my sister (who got me this job) throw my way.


But I always noticed Taeyeon… I heard her name few time because she visited this place with friends.


Some days she came alone and spend hours while looking through the books with me awkwardly lurking around the corners and admiring her every move.


Have you ever felt mesmerized by someone? Someone you haven’t even spoked with… feeling a pull as if you see your destiny in front of you but something stops you from coming up front and saying a simple ‘Hello’?




Many times I wanted to go and talk with her, suggest a book or ask if she’s looking for something specific.


I was easy going and can communicate with whoever, even flirt with people that I barely knew but this girl… Taeyeon… I never dared to do any of that.


Instead…one time when she almost noticed me I hid behind some books and a ladder. I felt relief that she hadn’t noticed it but I also kept on wondering why… what keeps me away from her? It is like some force kept holding me and dragging me away…


Surprisingly, whenever she left the shop I felt like my old self. Full of confidence to do whatever it takes… to conquer the world…


It happened right before Christmas… I heard Taeyeon talking with my sister Krystal and she mentioned of leaving the city. She even sounded apologetic admitting that it is her favorite book shop in the city and she hopes she could keep on coming here.


We had a tradition on giving away books before Christmas, especially to regular costumer who helped with the business. I knew that my sister plans to give a book for Taeyeon as well… usually it didn’t matter what kind of book we chose… either way the reader appreciated the thought.


Taeyeon promised to come back to stay goodbye and I decided this is as good time as any to write down something that has been on my mind for some time. I took one of the books forcing Krystal to promise that she will give this to Taeyeon (I had to do a lot of convincing as my sister found this truly strange but she agreed to do it for the sake of my mind).


All was left to do is sit down and wrote it down but while looking at the paper I couldn’t express my thoughts anymore. I spend almost all night nervously rewriting my sentences and throwing away those papers. When I noticed that there’s not much time left I decided to settle with my last statements and copied it into the book.


I watched from the corner as my younger sister gave Taeyeon our little present still unsure why I can’t go there. Why something is stopping me for talking out loud or just going to stand around the corner and greet the girl… All I could do was just look at her from afar.


Only when Taeyeon left and I knew she’s not coming here next day I felt like screaming and crying. Tears just rolled down my face uncontrollably while I walked into the other room so no other customers could see me.


This hurt… really hurt… but also I felt relief… I manage to do at least one thing… I manage to express my thoughts and feelings into paper. Who knows when she will notice it… today, tomorrow or maybe a year later… still… one day she will open the book and see my little note. Maybe she will even smile finding out that there was someone who liked her this way…


…I hope that at least she will smile…




[Jessica’s Note in a Book]

I love you, isn’t it crazy considering that you don’t know who I am? You don’t know how I look, what is my personality, what are my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t know that about you either… I barely know you, only staring from the distance, only seeing the admiration you have for those love stories, for those novels you buy one after the other. I don’t know what kind of life you have outside this place but still… I can’t help myself. I love you in the same way how they describe love in poems: I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you this way because I don’t know any other way how I could do it. In my imagination… you’re by my side… in my imagination you love me the same way. Without understanding or needing reason to. I’m a coward unable to express my feelings but when you read this short note…know that there is someone in this world who truly admires you… and no matter what — cherishes this feeling…

your secret fan, Jessica Jung