G; If a story starts with tears… should it end with a smile?
[Kim Taeyeon Story]
I ran as fast as I can. I was breathless, even felt that I might lose consciousness at any second but I still kept on running. This can’t be happening. That’s not true. It can’t be… just can’t.
These and similar words were aimlessly reaching my mind and I couldn’t block them. I couldn’t block the bad thoughts either. Actually the more I ran and the closer I get to the hospital the more tantalizing they were. I couldn’t take it anymore. I even breathed out with relief when I finally reach the place. Relief that shouldn’t be there… relief that soon was washed away from me.
“I’m so sorry, TaeTae… they tried to save her. They really did… but they couldn’t do anything. She’s… she’s dead”
My best friend Fany kept repeating these words with tears in her eyes but I couldn’t believe it. I kept on insisting that it can’t be true, that its just a nightmare. That I will wake up next morning and everything will be alright. I fainted back there because of shock, shortage of breath and never stopping tears.
Only few weeks later after the funeral Fany and I sat in my room and talked about everything. We couldn’t meet anywhere else because I didn’t want to leave the place where Jessica and I shared our happiest moments.
I felt exhausted and couldn’t even cry anymore. Tiffany mentioned that I’m emotional mess right now but as mine and Jessica’s best friend she understood me the best. She’s the only one I talked about all of this.
“She was always so reckless…rushing to meet me no matter what… if I haven’t called she wouldn’t had driven so fast… she was so lazy with other people but with me… it was a different story”
“Yeah, TaeTae… but she has never been careful. She broke her leg couple of times before, do you remember? She always ran whenever you called even if she had enough of time. She loved you too much to wait another second… everyone around you two saw it. I think even Jessi realized this but she didn’t care”.
“That’s not fair, Fany-ah… if I wasn’t in the picture… maybe… it is just not fair”.
Fany frowned a little and scolded me.
“Jessica wouldn’t want for you to blame yourself. Also, she was the happiest when she was with you. I’m pretty sure she was on cloud nine when she was driving to see you… maybe she even di…” she stopped herself as we both promised not to mentioned word death as to this point I still couldn’t accept the truth.
“You should go out more… you can’t stay locked in this room…”.
Easier said than done. Still after few more weeks I managed to leave my home. Most of the time I visited Jessica’s grave. Other times I just sat in the park and stared blankly at the view in front of me. Until one day everything changed.
“What’s on your mind? It seems like you can’t get over something”, unknown girl commented as she sat next to me. Strangers never bothered to talk with me and I didn’t bother to answer but this time felt different. Something about her was different. I couldn’t quite grasp what that was.
“I lost someone I love… I don’t really care how it looks”.
“Oh really? And this park has significant meaning for both you and that person, right? I can see it in your aura”.
“What? Yes its was our special place but… why are you talking so strangely…and who are you?”
“You can call me, Sunny, but that doesn’t matter. So what would you say if I told you that I can take you to one exact moment in time where you can change something. It can be something that occurred three or five years ago, even ten. Well, actually ten is my limit.”
“I would say that its the craziest thing I have ever heard and I have to go”.
I stood up angry thinking that this stranger is mocking me but she caught my hand and smiled sympathetically “think about this… what if there’s such opportunity and you will just pass on it? You know… you can go for now… if you come to this park tomorrow at the same time like now and tell me the date… I will bring you there. Maybe for you I sound like a crazy person and I’m aware of this but you should at least consider my suggestion. Take your time. If I won’t see you here tomorrow…I will understand your answer”.
She let go of my hand and I just ran. Who would believe something like that?
Still it kept bugging me for all day long, I couldn’t sleep at night either. What if? Without me realizing I left my home early in the morning and went to that park. I still had few hours for the exact time when I met the strange girl.
Maybe that’s just some trick and someone will actually abduct me or will try to kill me. Do I care? They can do whatever they like. But what if…?
After two hours of waiting Sunny sat next to me. I didn’t see where she came from as it looked like she appeared from thin air. Before I opened my mouth she commented.
“I can hear your answer…I can see where you want to go… good luck”, she smiled friendly, stood up and walked off.
This must be fake. I sat on that bench for few more hours but nothing happened. The feeling was so strange… while sitting I noticed something. The newspaper…I need to see the date on that newspaper.
I ran after the old lady and asked nicely to see the front page. 2012/06/28… four years ago. I need to get out off here.
I looked around and hid behind the tree when I saw familiar figure walking down the path to the same bench that I sat on before.
Jessica, my baby… you’re here. I just stared at her for ten minutes while hiding. I remember this day as it happened yesterday. We met in this park after chatting for some time on the Internet.
We came here with distrust because someone you met on the Internet can be a killer or just child who wants to play games. But after three months of communication through Tumblr we decided to risk it.
That was the day we fell in love with each other and Jessica never left my side after it. Until she died… I had to remember this. I forced myself to remember it because that was the reason why I was here. This moment in time.
My heart wanted to go… go there and meet Jessica all over again. But my mind told me otherwise… that’s why I turn around and walked out of her life.
Not that I was even in her life… at least not in this reality. Jessica will probably think that her pen pal stood her up. It is better this way…I can’t be selfish now.
She will never know about me but at least I got a chance with her. At least I know that she will live…she will meet someone else and be happy… even if all of that happens without me.
[Jung Jessica Story]
Do you ever have that feeling… like a six sense that something should have happened but it never did? I have spend two years of my life like that… with wonder… for some reason going back to that same scene in the park.
I had a pen pal once… it was a little bit different as I never before felt connection to someone I haven’t met in person. I had no idea how she looked and knew only few details of that girl’s life… but we confessed our fears and dreams to each other, and we agreed to meet one day.
I felt that my life might change if I see her… never before I felt so excited and nervous… but she never showed up. She stopped messaging me back and just disappeared…
Have you ever felt like you lost someone you never even had in a first place? Like your heart is going to explode for this one particular reason… Truthfully, at first I was really angry. I couldn’t believe that she just stood me up. I waited for two hours still hoping that maybe something happened and she’s running late.
Later on, I started wondering that maybe she saw me… saw me and decided that I’m not worth her time. That’s what a blind date is, right? If you decide that you don’t like another person you can just leave. You don’t need to see them ever again. No one cares if one side fall in love with the other, if the feeling is not mutual. But shouldn’t I be angry? If that’s really the case… all I can feel is disappointment.
Despite always feeling weird whenever I remembered this incident I decided I need to push this aside.
I noticed a girl… Taeyeon… four years later after that incident in a park, and somehow I decided to leave that period of my past behind.
I saw Taeyon in a small book shop where I had my part time job helping out my sister.
Taeyeon hadn’t noticed me as I was always running around, carrying books, doing whatever errands my sister (who got me this job) throw my way.
But I always noticed Taeyeon… I heard her name few time because she visited this place with friends.
Some days she came alone and spend hours while looking through the books with me awkwardly lurking around the corners and admiring her every move.
Have you ever felt mesmerized by someone? Someone you haven’t even spoked with… feeling a pull as if you see your destiny in front of you but something stops you from coming up front and saying a simple ‘Hello’?
Many times I wanted to go and talk with her, suggest a book or ask if she’s looking for something specific.
I was easy going and can communicate with whoever, even flirt with people that I barely knew but this girl… Taeyeon… I never dared to do any of that.
Instead…one time when she almost noticed me I hid behind some books and a ladder. I felt relief that she hadn’t noticed it but I also kept on wondering why… what keeps me away from her? It is like some force kept holding me and dragging me away…
Surprisingly, whenever she left the shop I felt like my old self. Full of confidence to do whatever it takes… to conquer the world…
It happened right before Christmas… I heard Taeyeon talking with my sister Krystal and she mentioned of leaving the city. She even sounded apologetic admitting that it is her favorite book shop in the city and she hopes she could keep on coming here.
We had a tradition on giving away books before Christmas, especially to regular costumer who helped with the business. I knew that my sister plans to give a book for Taeyeon as well… usually it didn’t matter what kind of book we chose… either way the reader appreciated the thought.
Taeyeon promised to come back to stay goodbye and I decided this is as good time as any to write down something that has been on my mind for some time. I took one of the books forcing Krystal to promise that she will give this to Taeyeon (I had to do a lot of convincing as my sister found this truly strange but she agreed to do it for the sake of my mind).
All was left to do is sit down and wrote it down but while looking at the paper I couldn’t express my thoughts anymore. I spend almost all night nervously rewriting my sentences and throwing away those papers. When I noticed that there’s not much time left I decided to settle with my last statements and copied it into the book.
I watched from the corner as my younger sister gave Taeyeon our little present still unsure why I can’t go there. Why something is stopping me for talking out loud or just going to stand around the corner and greet the girl… All I could do was just look at her from afar.
Only when Taeyeon left and I knew she’s not coming here next day I felt like screaming and crying. Tears just rolled down my face uncontrollably while I walked into the other room so no other customers could see me.
This hurt… really hurt… but also I felt relief… I manage to do at least one thing… I manage to express my thoughts and feelings into paper. Who knows when she will notice it… today, tomorrow or maybe a year later… still… one day she will open the book and see my little note. Maybe she will even smile finding out that there was someone who liked her this way…
…I hope that at least she will smile…
[Jessica’s Note in a Book]
I love you, isn’t it crazy considering that you don’t know who I am? You don’t know how I look, what is my personality, what are my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t know that about you either… I barely know you, only staring from the distance, only seeing the admiration you have for those love stories, for those novels you buy one after the other. I don’t know what kind of life you have outside this place but still… I can’t help myself. I love you in the same way how they describe love in poems: I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you this way because I don’t know any other way how I could do it. In my imagination… you’re by my side… in my imagination you love me the same way. Without understanding or needing reason to. I’m a coward unable to express my feelings but when you read this short note…know that there is someone in this world who truly admires you… and no matter what — cherishes this feeling…
your secret fan, Jessica Jung