You and that smile of yours. Eye-smile, the thing that made you this popular in the first place… everyone remembered you by it and by that small mistakes while calling yourself ‘Mushroom’.
Two things that remain the same from the beginning of our careers.
The truth is that the smile of yours was something I got to witness first. Before the fans, before the fame, before your boyfriend and all those scandals when netizens imagined that you’re dating someone.
Honestly, back then I had no idea that you could become a trouble. My biggest distractions and at the same time the most important person in my life. Fans were quick to catch on small details or even my jealousy when you got too clingy with other members. Ironically, our fans always argued, some saying that its just an imagination and that’s how friends act, others pointing out details, the looks and claiming that our relationship is true.
There have been many times when I wanted to confirm it… at any point during the interview, during our tour when everyone got louder and more excited whenever Tiffany and me got to stand closer to each other. I was so immersed in all it and so close to just open up during my short reality show when Fany acted as MC and asked me ‘What life means to you’.
I even started saying that there’s this me and there is another one… Taeyeon that no one knows about but of course… you looked clueless… I just couldn’t do it. As much as I wanted to tell everyone and confirm their doubts: what would I actually win with it? More scandals? Hate?
That’s the thing about K-Pop fans… they imagine/want their pairings to be together in real life, but if that would actually happen… the media and all of them would go crazy. Some would probably say ‘I knew this all along’, others would be fast to judging. In this society…even dating when the girl is older than a guy is somewhat a taboo…
I know about it… I got to witness this first hand. It is not only that boy and girl groups can’t mix, because ‘Stay away from my oppa’, but also it is somehow required that the guy should be older. It does make little sense, right? I mean… then how about couples that have 20 or even 30 years difference? So it is very wrong if a girl is few years older, but if the guy is 20 years older it is completely acceptable?
Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
But even if I’m concentrating on this that doesn’t have much importance…at least not when I’m alone with my thoughts. Whenever that happens, all I can think about is Fany. When we first met… I had no idea… that with her wine-stained lips, yeah, she’s nothing but trouble, cold to the touch but she’s warm as a devil. If I knew… maybe I would have stayed away and wasn’t that eager to be her roommate. Though if we believe in destiny and remember the fact that she’s the most important person in my life… maybe I didn’t have much choice with it. It just happened. What hurt at first was the fact that I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul. She takes ’til I break and I can’t get more.
When people talk about love, they like skipping the bad parts and concentrate only on the happy moments. It is easier this way, since we people tend to avoid getting hurt… but I’m not skipping the worse. Not now… I need to get this out of my system.
I can’t lie and pretend… for a very long time, I was the only one who fell in love. I was the only one looking at Tiffany in a special way and waited for her attention. Yes… she gave me a lot of it, but it was pretty much the same communication and interaction like with all the other members. The only difference is that our fans tend to over-analyze situations and I… just like them… kept on watching those videos. The ones that made it looked like Fany is the ones who’s jealous… or the ones where it looked like she’s staring at me.
But I knew better. There were few moments when Tiffany looked at me, but most of other times, she looked passed me. Ironically, there was a moment when I thought she stared at me, when instead she kept on giving glances to Nickhun sitting next to me. Stuff like that hurts, doesn’t it?
That is why I tried to break the chains but the chains only break me. I tried to avoid feeling like that. I got pretty depressed at that point, but it didn’t stop me. I tried avoiding Tiffany or started fighting with her for no apparent reason. Our fight in Japan is still a popular topic among the fans though… it didn’t really go exactly like they think it did. The truth was… I couldn’t avoid my feelings anymore and told her about it…or should I say…I shouted the words out loud.
It wasn’t the best kind of confession and it didn’t get a happy ending at that point, because Fany couldn’t tell me that she feels the same way. My confession confused her and we faked ‘being okay’ in front of the fans for awhile, while alone we barely looked at each other. It was too awkward and all the members felt it… the most ironic part was when we kept on telling about our fight in Japan everyone seemed to enjoy it.
I cried inside.
I’m still unsure why but one day all of a sudden Fany told me that she wants to try. She wasn’t sure, but I’m too important person in her life not to give it a try…guess what… we failed the first time… our interactions were quick… meaningless… and it was me who said that we need to stop this… I told her convincingly that I’ll forget about this feeling and move on.
For a while I succeeded… why else would I have dated Baekhyun. Also… it was better this way. Tiffany had a boyfriend and seemed to be happy about it… we barely talked about stuff like dating anymore, but at the same time we were back to normal… best friends… closer than best friend… we were like family to each other.
But there were times… when… I was alone in the night ’til she knocked on my door. Wasted again but I couldn’t say no. I wanted to ask “Baby tell me why, why you do, do me wrong” because I did gave her my heart but she took my soul.
It took years for Tiffany… literally… years… to admit to herself what she’s feeling for me. Even when she did and when she came looking for me at those moments of weakness… Fany always told me that it can’t last… it can only be a temporal things until we find our other half… get married… just like the society expects us to do.
Still, she was the first one who broke up with Nickhun though they had it all. A lot of times Fany told other members that she can see the rest of her life with Nickhun, that he makes her truly happy…makes her feel loved and there is nothing else she needs… except… she did… she needed me… just like I needed her.
That’s why I can call this ‘Chains’… because we were chained to each other. Our souls and hearts intervene… and just like chain reaction somehow we stayed close to each other, unable to break free.
We tried break the chains but the chains only break us. When we weren’t together, it hurt more than all the uncertainty and fear.
At the end, we decided not to care anymore. No… we won’t make this official. The world (or let’s say – Korea) is not ready for it… but secretly… we belong to each other… our supporters gets enough of clues of that. We buy matching accessories and clothes, we share a lot of videos and photos together, we talked a lot about the other whenever we get interviewed for our solos.
So yeah… when we talk about love, we need to talk about bad stuff too. But guess what… even though Fany got me in chains, she got me in chains for her love. But I wouldn’t change, no, I wouldn’t change this love.
Her eye-smile and nickname ‘Mushroom’ are two things that remain from the beginning of our careers, but there is one more thing that people are not aware of and that is my love for Fany.
A/N: Inspired by Nick Jones – Chains. I would suggest listening to it while reading the story 🙂
Written in Taeyeon’s point of view. Short one (I guess counts as a drabble). I just kind of come up with this while listening to the song and…yeah… I sat down to write it. (You can see the lyrics in the process of the story, they’re written in italic).
I will be honest, this is very random, written some time ago but I decided to repost it here too.